Fatherhood as Leadership, a Conversation with Ryan North (#40) – Connected Parenting Minute
- Fatherhood as Leadership, a Conversation with Ryan North (#40)
- Navigating Holidays: Expectations vs. Reality – (RE-RELEASE) (#39)
- Navigating Relationships: The Value of Community in Parenting – (#38)
- Road Trip Reflections: Embracing Change and Connection in Parenting – (#37)
- Boundaries in Parenting – An Interview with Ryan North (#36)
Get ready for a candid conversation about the meltdowns and tantrums every parent dreads!
In this week’s episode, Will and CarrieAnn Standfest draw on their own experiences raising multiple children to unpack the psychology behind blowups. With humor and heart, they explain how to differentiate willful defiance from fear-based reactions, avoid catastrophizing kids’ motivations, and address underlying needs with empathy. You’ll come away with practical techniques to remain calm, parent through dysregulation, and apologize after missteps. Most of all, you’ll feel seen and supported as an imperfect but willing-to-learn parent trying their best in difficult moments. The Standfests’ thoughtful insights bring compassion into a topic many find isolating and embarrassing.
Episode summary created by https://headliner.app
📋 Episode Chapters
(00:00) The Connected Parenting Minute is a conversation about parenting using connection first principles
(02:41) Tonight’s episode focuses on Tantrums and Meltdowns for parents of young children
(09:33) We are giving away coffee to our loyal listeners through a review giveaway
(10:13) Underreacting in the moment is a powerful tool that parents have
(14:56) You need to be the world’s best detective for your child’s needs
(19:28) Tantrums and meltdowns are really your child expressing a need
(21:29) If you would leave us a review on whatever platform you’re listening to
🔑 Episode Keywords
Parenting, Tantrums, Meltdowns, Emotions, Needs, Reactions, Trauma, Adoption, Foster Care, Connection, Empathy, Patience, Mindfulness, Self-Care, Regulation, Coping Skills, Boundaries, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Growth Mindset
✍️ Episode References
Connected Parenting Minute Podcast https://connectedparentingminute.com/
HALT Method https://www.healthline.com/health/hal…
Prefrontal Cortex https://www.healthline.com/health/pre…
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Email: ConnectedParentingMinute@gmail.com
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Transcript:
Intro/Outro: You’re listening to the Connected Parenting Minute with Will and CarrieAnn Standfest this podcast is a conversation about parenting using connection first trauma informed principles. Because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful home. This podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better one connected Parenting Minute at a time.
Will: Hello and welcome back to the podcast. My name is Will Stanfest, and I am so excited that you are here for season two of The Connected Parenting Minute. Joining me, as always, is the fabulous, the lovely, the one and only Carrie Ann Stanfest.
CarrieAnn: That’s me.
Will: So thank you to everybody who listened to the first season of our podcast. It was fun. It was exciting. We have ten episodes out there that we’re very proud of. And now after our short summer break, we are recording again for season two.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, it’s really exciting. I thought we would spend a little bit more time recording since we ended season one, but summer has gone by fast.
Will: It’s been a busy summer. We went to family camp with some other adoptive and foster families and some wonderful friends of ours, and it was fantastic.
CarrieAnn: So good. I can’t tell you how good it felt to be in the presence of people who kind of get it.
Will: Oh, yeah.
CarrieAnn: It’s one thing to parent and to have, well, a bunch of kids, too, but just being able to be around other families that knew kind of the feel of the foster care world and. Adoption,
Will: the struggles you face, what goes on with kids, like the balancing act between care and trauma and birth families and other things.
CarrieAnn: There’s just a lot of pieces that come into play. And when you’re around other people that get that, it’s just really I mean, it’s fun, but it’s also just you feel seen, right? I mean, this is about a relationship. You feel seen in that relationship.
Will: And the big bonus is we were not the largest family there. Oh, yeah, that’s right. Daryl, we love you.
CarrieAnn: There was one family that had nine kids.
Will: Nine children. We have eight. It is unusual for us not to be the largest family by far, if we’re honest.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: But it was great. It was a really good time and it was really refreshing. A good time off and time to connect and learn more about trauma and about connected parenting. And we are fired up and excited to kind of jump back into the next season here.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: So let’s get to it, shall we?
CarrieAnn: Awesome.
Tonight’s episode focuses on Tantrums and Meltdowns for parents of young children
Will: all right, tonight’s episode, we are talking about what I know is the favorite topic of so many parents of littles yeah. Tantrums and meltdowns.
CarrieAnn: Do. Do. Do
Will: Right. As a parent who has had a couple of small children, a few six, you see a lot of Tantrums and Meltdowns for example, like the story that comes to my mind, this is actually fairly recent, probably within the last couple of months. Here we have a seven year old who is now going into second grade. She is way bigger. I almost said first grade. She would be upset with me. all right, so she’s going into second grade. She is super old, and she was asked to clean her room on Saturdays. That’s kind of the thing. Saturdays in her house. You got to take a shower, you got to clean your room and clean up the kitchen. And then you can play video games. she was asked to go clean her room, which was I don’t know, what would you categorize it on the.
CarrieAnn: I would say it’s definitely category six hurricane.
Will: it was a mess. There were clothes everywhere. Dress up clothes, toys, play food, blankets, stuffies, everything.
CarrieAnn: Most of parents listening can relate to some degree.
Will: If you can picture a child’s room where you can walk in and you can’t actually see the carpet because there’s so much stuff on the floor that might have been close.
CarrieAnn: Yes.
Will: And so she was told to go clean a room because it was after breakfast and it was time to start doing these things. And she disappeared for a while and you didn’t hear anything. And we went to I don’t know if it was me or if it was you. We’ll say it was me. I went to go check on them and check on her. I walked in. It looked like maybe two things had been moved to the floor, still couldn’t actually see the carpet. And I asked this child, I said, what’s going on? You were asked to clean your room and you’ve been in here for 15 minutes. And there was a big sigh of, and waterworks and sobbing and just the drama, de drama of just this total meltdown tantrum thing and whatever. And she just lost it. which was unpleasant for me, which was unpleasant.
CarrieAnn: And unfortunately, right in her growth stage, it’s par for the course. I mean, she really does have a lot of big reactions to a lot of things
Will: she does
CarrieAnn: right now. And we’re kind of like, okay, we can work. We’re connected parents. Sometimes it doesn’t come out the first thing, but that’s why we talk about it, because help keep us accountable and keep talking about things, and eventually maybe it’ll stick by our last child.
Will: Yeah. And what she said in that moment, this is like one of these few moments of pure clarity that kind of grabs you. This is why I’m using the specific example. I asked her why she hadn’t started, and her response was, daddy, there’s just so much I don’t know where to start. M let me tell you, if that doesn’t just grab you for a moment, this child crying, not because she’s being naughty and angry at me or trying to avoid working. She’s overwhelmed.
Will: She’s like, there’s so much stuff, I don’t even know where to start. And she cried more from saying that, I could tell this was not a show she was putting on. She was genuinely upset and overwhelmed by how messy the room was and she just didn’t know how to start.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And that comes to our first point on tantrums and meltdowns. There’s a big difference between willful disobedience this rebellious, I’m trying to do something bad attitude and just a reaction, like a fear based survival brain reaction of her brain in that moment was in its survival mode. It was not in the prefrontal cortex of planning out how she was going to be evil and how she’s going to avoid doing any work and whatever. She was overwhelmed and her survival brain just said ah and freaked out.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: That moment really showed me that there’s more going on in these tantrums than just my child’s being naughty. I think that’s the first step too, as we understand how to work through our tantrums and meltdowns with our kids and how to help them in those moments. How to help ourselves in those moments is we need to look at it and realize it’s not always. My child is choosing to be naughty right now and actively trying to be deceitful or not do what they’ve been asked, but that there is a lot of times where, genuinely, this is a child who doesn’t know how to handle this situation. And so they’re reacting poorly because they’re a child and they don’t have the experience of how to react in these stressful situations.
CarrieAnn: Well, I think it’s interesting too, because we as parents have a big role that we play in that, in the aspect that we take something like that and we instantly see the worst possible reasoning behind it.
Will: Sure.
CarrieAnn: When we talk about the fact that our seven year old was just seemingly trying to avoid doing a bunch of work and crying about it, if we go, well, obviously they’re just being naughty and they just don’t want to do the thing. And so in never looking beyond that, we miss that opportunity to connect with our child in that way. When we just look and see the worst case scenario, so to speak, we miss that opportunity. But regardless of what their motivation is in that moment, one of the things that sticks out to me is that our reaction should kind of be the same.
Will: Oh, really? Now that’s hard though, right?
CarrieAnn: It is hard because when you’re interacting with people, you think about it sometimes what you perceive their motivation dictates how you react to them. right.
Will: Absolutely.
CarrieAnn: You have a coworker and they’re acting like a jerk, but you feel like, well, they’re going through this really rough time, they just got a divorce or something awful happened in their family. You have a lot more compassion for them. Right? But if you don’t know any of those details and you’re just like, man, they just remind me of that kid who was being a dirt to me when I was in high school or whatever. That’s going to reflect how you react to them.
Will: Well, and there’s a good point right there, too, is how our history can cause us to interpret these things, right. The things we’ve experienced or how we were raised or stressful situations we’ve been in the past can change how we react to that same situation in the future.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, I think that really wraps up our first point, is that you’ve got to know that there’s a difference between willful disobedience and a reaction. Whether that’s fear based reaction, whatever is going on in their brains that may m just be what comes out in that moment and that we need to react the same either way.
We are giving away coffee to our loyal listeners through a review giveaway
Will: All right. And before we jump into point number two, we’re going to have a quick word from the sponsor of today’s episode.
CarrieAnn: Hey, Will, you know what makes me an even better parent than just listening to our podcast?
Will: What’s that, Carrie Ann?
CarrieAnn: Coffee.
Will: Oh, absolutely. You are so right. And our listeners are in luck because we are doing a review giveaway. We’re giving away coffee to you, the loyal listener. All you have to do to enter is leave a review of our podcast on whatever platform you’re listening to, take a screenshot of that review and send it to us at ah, connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
CarrieAnn: On December 15, we’ll pick five lucky winners to receive a Starbucks gift card worth coffee and maybe a little snack.
Underreacting in the moment is a powerful tool that parents have
Will: Enter today. And now back to the program. So, point number two, darling, you were starting to say, I mean, I feel.
CarrieAnn: Like it comes back to this so many times, but I think that that’s something we undervalue, maybe even. Sure, but that art of underreacting in the moment is a really, really powerful tool that we have as parents. Because when we’re acting out of when we’re reacting to our kids behavior out of just whatever feels good in the moment or whatever we are used to growing up, we lose that opportunity to be that safe place for our kids. And we also lose the opportunity to be able to be that calming, that regulating force in their life and be able to speak into that when we kind of get past when kids get regulated and when we’re able to say, hey, so this just happened. Can you tell me more about that? What do you think we could have done differently? Why don’t we try a redo?
Will: but if you came in yelling and screaming when that happened, you kind of lose the authority to speak into.
CarrieAnn: That almost a little bit.
Will: You’re still the adult, and we can contradict ourselves all we want, right.
CarrieAnn: But we have this opportunity when we maintain that calm or, when we show them how to handle Dysregulation in a good, positive way. Maybe that means stepping out of the moment for ourselves, doing the things we know that we need to meet our own needs, to be able to regulate with our kids, or cop regulate with our kids. Then we were consistently showing in examples of how to slowly be able for themselves to self regulate well.
Will: And the other message you’re sending when you react big, when they react big, is, well, two messages, really. One, this is how you react when somebody freaks out in front of you. which is just training them for their future. Or number two, the more subtle, more insidious or hurtful messages is, I can’t handle your big emotions.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, right.
Will: I mean, you’re saying, I can’t handle this, you’re too much. All these potentially really hurtful little messages that you aren’t actively saying. None of us mean to say that to our kid when they’re having a hard time. But that is the undercurrent, if we’re being honest. Right.
CarrieAnn: No, it definitely is. Don’t take this all as doom and gloom either, because you can definitely, again, as we know better, we do better, we continue to grow in our parenting, and we can always use that as, an example of, hey, you know what? Mom really lost her stuff right there. Can I have a redo? I’d like to redo this situation because I did not handle that well.
Will: That’s a huge gift to give your children, to model that humility and willingness to apologize when you’re wrong. The fact that you’re doing your own self reflection and you’re like, I don’t like how that went and I want to do it better. That’s all really good stuff for your kids to see.
CarrieAnn: Right. The other thing I want to make a note of is this isn’t a magic bullet. If you underreact to your kids, especially as we’re talking, like, more teens, rather than that seven year old little kids, you might get one of two reactions. You might get, a reaction of your kids co regulating them. They come down, they come calm. it could go the opposite way. It depends on your relationship with your kid. It could just take them off. So just be prepared for that. Especially if you’re going to try this with older kids or, really slick younger kids.
Will: But that doesn’t mean it’s the wrong reaction. It just means you need to be prepared. Because if you’re reacting different, especially differently than you used to now it’s unpredictable. Now your kids emotions, their survival brain is kicking in again of like, what’s going on? I don’t know what’s happening right now.
CarrieAnn: Right. And just remember, you know your child best.
Will: Yes.
CarrieAnn: Continue to learn who your child is, especially as they’re learning and growing. Okay? That was the caveat for that. So point number two is underreact. Remember that you’re the adult and that we get to set the tone for these tantrums and meltdowns. I mean, I think of times when my kids have melted down, I mean, like little kids in the store and my reaction was not good.
Will: Oh no.
CarrieAnn: Because all I wanted to do is be quiet and not cause a scene and not have all these parents looking at me and thinking what a bad parent I am.
Will: I mean, that’s real. That’s what we’ve all been there.
CarrieAnn: Yes.
You need to be the world’s best detective for your child’s needs
Will: All right. And so that brings us to point number three, that in the end, your child is expressing a need even though they are doing it in an inappropriate way, that is stressing you out and is overwhelming and you are just done with it. You’re tired and you’re sick of it. For today, your child is trying to tell you that there’s a need.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: Now, the basic needs when they’re like this is the, halt acronym. Halt hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Like these are the four categories you can kind of start with when your kid is melting down or having a hard time.
Will: But again, as you just said, you need to be the world’s best detective for your child. And so being able to say my kid hasn’t had a snack in 4 hours, or their water bottle is in the kitchen and it’s been sitting there for a couple of hours, they’re dehydrated, they’re hungry, it’s an hour past dinner because I was on my phone. Whatever the situation might be, that’s a good place to start.
CarrieAnn: Right? Well, and you think if we think back to when we’re little babies yes. The only way they had to express a need is to cry. Is to cry. And so you had to be the detective and figure out what is they need. Are they hungry or do they have a dirty diaper? Are they tired? Do they just need to be held? It’s really simple when I mean, it’s not really simple, but theoretically, raising the.
Will: Infant is not really simple. No, the gamut of an infant’s needs is fairly simple.
CarrieAnn: There you go. And that’s a better way to put it. Because I’m like, I’ve been there so many times saying simple just does not fit.
Will: It’s not working. I can’t say it.
CarrieAnn: No, that’s a lie. No. But when your kids are really little like that, the gamut, like you said, of their needs are seemingly simple. And then as we get older, they start to fold more feelings and thoughts and experiences into those and it does get to be harder to figure out what is it that they need. And so, again, that connected piece of interacting with your child, knowing who your child is, paying attention to the things that are important to them or the things that have happened to them as best your ability. I mean, when you talk foster and adoptive community, we know that there’s so much that we don’t know.
Will: so much you don’t know about their history.
CarrieAnn: Exactly. But even when you have biological kids and be known since they were conceived, there are still things you’re not going to be able to understand about your kid. So I guess that’s what I’m getting at, is that we have to continually accept the fact that our kids are going to be learning and growing in ways that we don’t even understand. So we have to be open to that.
Will: Yeah, because our kids are humans, too. They have their own unique experiences and perspectives on the world that we don’t always have or share or understand completely. And I think you gave a great example, too, of thinking of a coworker whose mom just died or just got a cancer diagnosis or whose kid is having a rough time or something like that, and your only interaction with them is a meeting, and they’re acting like a jerk. You don’t understand what’s going on behind that thing. And so this is the encouragement that it’s the same thing with our kids, even for our littles that are with us all day, every day. I didn’t understand that our daughter was overwhelmed by how messy her room was, and she just needed a little help either getting started or getting some direction. And the same thing goes for our teens too, because there’s a spectrum here of going from the infant, like you were describing, who can only cry, to express a whole gamut of needs all the way up to hopefully an emotionally stable, contributing member of society. Adult with a fully formed prefrontal cortex who can express their needs in appropriate manners and meet some of their own needs. Our children are somewhere on that spectrum, and some adults we know are still somewhere on that spectrum.
CarrieAnn: Yes.
Will: I mean, we all are. There’s moments there are needs that you and I have that we don’t always express as appropriately or healthy as we could.
Will: And we’re adults. So there’s a little bit of help your kid, help your kid move along the spectrum, help them grow, develop the skills. That is what our job is as parents. because they’re kids, they’re still learning.
CarrieAnn: Yes. And what a privilege we get to help them along that journey.
Will: It really is. It really is special.
CarrieAnn: I mean, it boggles my mind sometimes that we get to do that. So good job, parents.
Tantrums and meltdowns are really your child expressing a need
Will: All right, so to wrap up really quick here, let’s go back over the three points that we covered tonight. The first one is you have to know that there is a difference between a willful act of disobedience and a reaction that your child is having, and.
CarrieAnn: That your engagement with that, your reaction to that. It can be the same. It should be the same.
Will: It should be the same regardless of which end of the spectrum they’re on.
CarrieAnn: Of their motivation, and that’s hard.
Will: And what should that reaction be?
CarrieAnn: Point number two, you should underreact you should, work on pushing your pause button for your reaction. I like to say that m I’m just going to pause my reaction right now and meet their needs. Figure out what their needs are right now. If you can do that, if you can be in a healthy place to do that, figuring out what your kid needs in that moment can be a help. Maybe it’s just give them a glass of water. Don’t even talk about it. Or for their littles, we’ve been like, I’m thirsty. You want to get a drink of water with me?
Will: And you’re saying that about yourself.
CarrieAnn: Right, exactly.
Will: Which is really healthy for them to see you expressing a need, identifying a need and going to meet that need and then inviting them into relationship to go meet that need.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: So many good things. That’s a whole episode sorry.
CarrieAnn: That is all right. In point number three we’ve got in the end, it’s really tantrums and meltdowns are really your child expressing a need.
Will: And so if we can be the calm one who can see past the tantrum and meltdown, identify and meet that need, we’ll diffuse the situation in a hopefully healthy and constructive way. It helps our kids learn some skills.
CarrieAnn: And doing this consistently over time, I really do feel like that has consistently helped bring those tantrums and meltdowns down in frequency.
Will: Yeah, absolutely. It really does.
CarrieAnn: And it doesn’t hurt sometimes to keep a sucker in your purse because you know what? Sometimes you just need to bribe them.
Will: That’s okay.
CarrieAnn: I’ll be honest.
Will: Sucker gum. chewing on things. Sucking on things is very regulating.
CarrieAnn: See?
Will: All right.
CarrieAnn: Totally worth it.
Will: Awesome.
If you would leave us a review on whatever platform you’re listening to
Will: All right, well, thank you so much for joining us on this first episode of season two. We are thrilled that you are with us. We appreciate every one of you listening. If you would take a moment and leave us a review on whatever platform you’re listening to, we would really appreciate it. It would help us out a lot.
CarrieAnn: Yes, it would.
Will: We have a lot of exciting things coming up this season, and I can’t wait to share them all with you. So make sure you come back for the next episode.
CarrieAnn: And remember, you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all.
Will: Get a little bit better one connected Parenting minute at a time.
CarrieAnn: Thanks for listening to my mom and dad’s podcast. Make sure you hit the subscribe button and hit the like button like 10 billion times. Yeah.
Intro/Outro: For more parenting tips or to connect with us, check out the Connected Parenting Minute on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. Or you can send us an email using connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
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