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- Navigating Relationships: The Value of Community in Parenting – (#38)
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We all want to be the best parents we can be, but how do we know if we’re succeeding? In the latest episode of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast, Will and CarrieAnn Standfest provide thoughtful insight into this parenting dilemma we all face. Sharing vulnerable stories and practical wisdom from their own parenting journey, they discuss the flawed and even harmful ways we often judge our parental success – by our children’s behavior, other’s opinions, or vague societal standards. With empathy and wisdom, they encourage parents to focus on their own development, rather than judging themselves by their child’s behavior. By modeling mindfulness, empathy and compassion for our kids and ourselves, we create an environment where the whole family can flourish. Tune in for an uplifting and validating conversation on redefining parental success.
Enter the Coffee Giveaway!
Season 2 Episode 2 of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast
Episode summary created by https://headliner.app
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📋 Episode Chapters
(00:00) Connected parenting minute is about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles
(00:36) Will Standfest: Tonight we talk about how to measure success as a parent
(02:59) Not defining “success” can set kids up for failure
(04:28) Sometimes we parent because of what other people say about how we parent our kids
(08:24) We are giving away coffee to you, the loyal listener
(09:04) We can’t use our children’s behavior as a measure of our success
(11:32) As adoptive and foster parents, you face reality that you can’t control children
(19:10) Having a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset really opens a world of possibilities
(21:33) How do we define success as a parent? Three main points discussed
(23:52) Connected parenting minute helps parents become better parents one connected parenting minute at a time
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🔑 Episode Keywords Parenting, Connection, Trauma, Growth, Mindfulness, Reflection, Encouragement, Perspective, Podcast, Children, Family, Home, Peace, Love, Calm, Self-Improvement, Empathy, Compassion, Understanding, Patience
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For more content:
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Transcript:
Redefining Parenting Success
Connected parenting minute is about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles
Will: If the only thing we can control as a parent is the way we behave, then we have to measure our success based on the way we’re behaving as a parent.
Intro/Outro: You’re listening to the connected parenting minute with Will and CarrieAnn Standfest. This podcast is a conversation about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles. Because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful, home. This podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better. One connected parenting minute at a time.
Will Standfest: Tonight we talk about how to measure success as a parent
Will: Welcome back to the podcast. My name is Will Standfest and I am so happy that you’ve chosen to join us today. Joining me this evening is my lovely wife, CarrieAnn
CarrieAnn: Hey, guys.
Will: So, CarrieAnn I’m happy M to be recording season two with you. I am super excited to share some of these episodes. There’s some really good stuff we’ve got coming. So before I get carried away talking about other stuff, though, let’s jump into tonight’s topic.
CarrieAnn: Absolutely. Tonight I got super jazzed about this. I’ll be honest. Sitting down and recording tonight was not on my to do list. We spent like seven and a half hours in a car driving home from visiting family. it was a little bit of a trying day.
Will: It’s been a long day.
CarrieAnn: It has been a very long day. But when I came up to the studio and I was just looking around and started looking at our topic, I just got all these ideas starting to pop and was very excited to share with you. So we’ll jump into it. tonight we’re going to talk about how do we measure success as a parent. Yes.
Will: Say that again.
CarrieAnn: How do we measure success as a parent?
CarrieAnn: I think that this topic was. It was really what I needed tonight. So after lots of different things happening in the car.
Will: Wait, you’re saying that driving home for seven and a half hours in a van with six children. Six of our eight. We have eight.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: With six of our children. Led you to question some of your parenting choices.
CarrieAnn: There were a few moments today, I’ll be honest, that, it was not my favorite thing. It just happens sometimes. The end of a very long little.
Will: Well, it was a nice trip, but.
CarrieAnn: It was a lot of work. It was a working trip.
Will: Split and stacked ten cords of wood, for your brother.
CarrieAnn: Yes. And it was a good experience for the kids. It was about family, but it was tiring and it was a lot of work.
Will: Everybody was tired.
CarrieAnn: Little tired, little edgy, little grumpy. So anyway, but yeah, I think this was a great conversation to have because when we really think about it, a lot of times we have this mentality in our mind of what success looks like for being a parent. And a lot of times those aren’t very defined.
Will: Yeah, it’s kind of vague.
CarrieAnn: It’s kind of vague. Yeah.
Not defining success in parentheses can set kids up for failure, experts say
CarrieAnn: And unless have we actually start to talk about, well, what is success in parentheses? What does that actually mean for us and for our kids? Because a lot of times we bring our own personal experiences into that. How we were raised, different things that.
Will: We see, things we experienced growing up. If a teacher or a youth leader or an aunt or an uncle, a grandparent said something to you at one point in time, it’s funny how the right thing, or maybe the wrong thing said at the exact time can just stick with you for years.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, it really can. And so we’re going to dive into that tonight a little bit and talk about good ways, bad ways, but just talking about that, when we were talking beforehand, before we sat down and started recording, I made the comment of there’s a saying. And I’m like, where does that saying come from? I was like, if you’re aiming at nothing, you’ll hit it every time.
CarrieAnn: And I think that goes both in the way of having this mindset of success and not really defining it. You’re always going to miss it. Right?
Will: Sure.
CarrieAnn: When we don’t take that time to put it together and to actually think what that means for us, I just think it sets our kids up for failure. It sets ourselves up for feeling like failures.
Will: Yeah. A lack of clarity sets yourself up for disappointment, frustration, all those things.
Sometimes we parent because of what other people say about how we parent our kids
CarrieAnn: All right, so we’re going to jump into point number one. And tonight that is really asking yourself, why do I parent the way that I do? And what goes into that? Like that success piece. What are the things behind the thing that’s going to look different for everybody? Right.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: But some of the things that came to my mind is sometimes we parent because of what other people say or what other people think about how we parent our kids.
Will: Again, a sideways comment from a grandparent. When your kid is melting down, just put that kid in their place.
CarrieAnn: Right. I mean, we come up with all these. Somebody doesn’t even have to say anything, but it can be that look, or especially when you have young kids and you’re kind of hypersensitive because you really don’t know what you’re doing anyway.
CarrieAnn: And then you see somebody or you hear somebody offhandedly make a comment about either somebody else or whatever, and then it sticks in your mind. And so you start parenting in this way.
Will: Oh, so and so’s child was so awful. Can you believe they did that?
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And if hearing somebody else say that, it can stick with you and become this kind of negative soundtrack, this repeated, repetitive thought in the back of your mind that kind of drives some of your behavior in kind of an icky way, honestly.
CarrieAnn: Right. And it may not even be intended that way.
Will: Yeah, most of those comments are pretty. I’m not trying to villainize grandparents here. No, they’re pretty innocuous comments, or they’re meant innocuously.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: But they have a funny way of sticking with you.
CarrieAnn: Yes, they do. You have to start asking yourself of, okay, well, why do I parent the way that I do? And one of the other ways that I really thought about this is how have I judged other parents in situations?
Will: Right. Yeah.
CarrieAnn: I mean, that one really gets to me because, of course, before we had kids, or everybody’s a perfect parent before they have children. Right, exactly. You see those parents in the grocery store with their kid melting down or with, they’re throwing a fit because they want this or a toy or they.
Will: Want candy or they want a video.
CarrieAnn: Game, and you go, oh, my gosh, I’m never going to let my kid do that.
Will: Yeah, and you’re superior. I’m clearly the greatest parent that’s ever been. I don’t actually have any children, and I never actually done this.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: But clearly, I was raised as a child once. I know how to parent.
CarrieAnn: Exactly. And so then later when you have kids, you’re like, when your kid is doing that thing, you’re like, oh, I said I would never let this happen. And all your focus is on making sure that behavior doesn’t come across like you perceive someone else’s kid’s behavior come across. And this is getting really complicated, but what I’m trying to say is you’re not parenting the kid in front of you. You’re parenting to what other people are thinking of you.
Will: What you think other people are thinking.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Will: No one’s actually saying it to you. There may be some people thinking this, there might be sometimes people, but again, no one’s saying anything to you. And these are people you will never talk to again or see, likely.
CarrieAnn: Right. And so in that moment, you’re defining success by whether or not your kid is acting this particular way, whether you’re.
Will: Impressing people you’ll never meet.
CarrieAnn: Right, exactly. And so on a side note, I personally go up to those moms who hits their screaming in the grocery store and tap her on the shoulder and be like, you are a good mom. You’re doing a good job. And normally I kind of get these halfway looks or whatever. I don’t care. I just walk away. But I see that. And so I’ve been there so many.
Will: Times trying to just put a little encouragement, encourage other mom in the world.
CarrieAnn: Like, seriously. Anyway, that is point number one. Ask yourself, why do I parent the way that I do?
Will: That’s good.
We are giving away coffee to you, the loyal listener
Will: So before we jump into point number two and have a quick break with a message from the sponsor of today’s episode.
CarrieAnn: Hey, Will, you know what makes me an even better parent than m just listening to our podcast?
Will: What’s that, CarrieAnn
CarrieAnn: Coffee.
Will: Oh, absolutely. You are so right. And our listeners are in luck because we are doing a review giveaway. We are giving away coffee to you, the loyal listener. All you have to do to enter is leave a review of our podcast on, whatever platform you’re listening to. Take a screenshot of that review and send it to us at ah connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
CarrieAnn: On December 15, we’ll pick five lucky winners to receive a Starbucks gift card worth coffee and maybe a little snack.
We can’t use our children’s behavior as a measure of our success
Will: Enter today. And now back to the show. Okay, so point number one was ask yourself, why do I parent the way I do?
CarrieAnn: Point number two is that we can’t use our children’s behavior as a measure of our success.
Will: Ouch.
CarrieAnn: Now that’s really hard. It’s really hard because in all actuality, your child’s like the product, so to speak, of your parenting. Right? I mean, how else are you supposed to measure success?
Will: Sure feels like that.
CarrieAnn: It really does. And I think a lot of times we get into this mindset of, well, if I parent my child, well, I’ll have a good kid.
Will: No, we say if, I parent my child perfectly, I will have the perfect child. Let’s be honest, at least how my mind works.
CarrieAnn: That is true. Now, I mean, this doesn’t even branch out into the whole foster and adoption world. And so, a lot of this applies. But when you have kid from day one or minus nine months or whatever, you think, well, I can do everything and get it all, right.
CarrieAnn: That’s not really how it works.
Will: No, because the problem is your child.
CarrieAnn: Is a person, and you are a person.
Will: You’re both able to make your own thoughts and decisions and failures and successes and everything else in between.
CarrieAnn: Right? It makes me think of this graph, you think of growth as start at point A, and you slowly start going up and like that growth chart where your kids start getting taller and weighing more and you want to get this nice slow arch that goes up to their appropriate weight and height and everything like that. So that’s how we think of growth. But actually growth is it spikes up and it dips way down and then it takes a couple of loop de loops and then it goes over here and then it’s going backwards. And so you get this really squiggly line because we’re human and we learn things sometimes really fast, sometimes really slow. And so we have to take into account that there is going to be this. Sometimes we might not see growth at.
Will: All in our kids, and that’s okay.
CarrieAnn: And that’s okay. But in the moment it doesn’t feel okay. You feel like the world is ending.
Will: But again, even if you’re not seeing growth in your child, that doesn’t mean that you’re failing as a parent.
CarrieAnn: No.
As adoptive and foster parents, you face reality that you can’t control children
Will: And actually, I actually do want to touch on the adoptive and foster thing for a second because I feel like it highlights more. It’s something that as we’re adoptive and foster parents, when we’ve done a lot of that, and when you are an adoptive parent or a foster parent who’s raising a child who was not born to you, you kind of come face to face with the fact this child has had experiences and has been raised by people and interacted with people that you don’t know, that you haven’t met, that you don’t understand all of the history that’s gone on there. And so it kind of forces you to contend with the fact that, well, I can’t parent them perfectly from the moment they were conceived until the moment that they leave my home. So therefore, I probably can’t expect a perfect result. I mean, let’s be honest, some of us still expect a perfect result.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: But it forces you to kind of come to terms with the fact that you can’t control every single environment, every single variable in your child’s environment.
Will: And that there are other people and other situations and other experiences they’ve had that are outside of your home and outside of your control. And it just highlights that those things influence and affect our children and our children make choices in all of that.
Will: And then bringing that back even to our biological children, you know what? Our biological children have interactions and relationships and experiences outside of our home that we don’t contRol.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And so I feel like being an adoptive parent, I’m forced to come to the terms of the fact that I can’t control a child.
Will: I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. Any fear and manipulation are not things I want to teach my child as a healthy pattern for parenting. Right.
Will: Just coming to terms with what that means as a parent is important.
CarrieAnn: Right. It really is. And I think that’s probably one of the things that has really accelerated my growth in seeing that aspect of our kids is that we really don’t have the control that we assume that we have or perceive that we have. Because for so long we control every aspect of a little baby’s life and just gets more and more and we kind of miss that part where, oh, ah, right, there’s a toddler who is a tantrum right now because they want something that I’m saying no to, but you just forget that piece of like they are their own person and they are. It’s hard to imagine. And so when we did have kids come in to our home that weren’t born to us and we had to learn who they were from right then and we don’t tend to do that with kids that were born to us.
Will: Well, and I think there’s a blind spot that we have to kids that were born to us is that we’ve seen them as so little.
Will: That it’s easy to not see them, that they’ve grown.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: It’s easy to picture your eleven or twelve year old as still needing you to do everything for them and that’s not who they are, not where they are anymore.
CarrieAnn: Right. And so it’s just something that you have to keep working at and growing at. Right. Because everybody’s growing but taking that time to see kids for where they’re at. But that talks about, too, to the fact that we can look at our children over a period of time to see their growth.
Will: Yeah. And that’s important.
CarrieAnn: And that’s important to reflect over that because it might be two steps forward, eight steps back, but over time there is growth and taking time to evaluate that and look back over that. So it’s not a measure of your success, but reflecting on their growth can be an encouragement because you say, well, last year, remember they were doing this and they don’t do that anymore. Wow, that’s amazing.
Will: Which is so easy to forget. Yes, it really is true. Especially with whichever kiddo it is that you’re having a hard time with right now, you’re struggling with a behavior or some expectations or whatever, being able to go back six months or a year and honestly remember where they were at with that same behavior, it causes you to say, oh, no, they are better. Not quite where they need to be, and we can help them with that, but I can maybe speak some positivity into them of, you know, what, you’re doing so much better. I’m really proud that you’ve mastered this part of getting ready in the morning or that you’re taking care of your homework now on your own, whatever piece it is. Speaking that positivity in and recognizing those good things in them, is really affirming and really helps them continue to grow and not be discouraged.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: I was reading a book this weekend talking about how a lot of us feel like we’re not good enough. M and it kind of comes back to that father wound or that parental wound of always the kids always feeling criticized and not good enough. And the more we can call out those successes that they’re having as kiddos, the more we build them up and help them continue to grow and move forward.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. So, will I really have to ask, how do we measure success as a parent?
Will: Well, point number three, the way we should measure success as a parent is in our own growth, in our own behavior. The way we act as a parent is the only thing we can control.
CarrieAnn: Yes.
Will: And so if the only thing we can control as a parent is the way we behave, then we have to measure our success based on the way we’re behaving as a parent.
CarrieAnn: Oh, man, that’s so good. It really, truly is, though. I mean, we talk about looking back over our kids growth over the past year or notice things that our kids were struggling with, and maybe they’ve gotten a little better, or maybe they speak kinder to their younger sibLing. But reflecting on those, I think that’s important to reflect on. On ourselves, too.
Will: Yes.
CarrieAnn: Just, talking about it right now, I think back to maybe some times when one of our kiddos would be melting down and I would just get frustrated, and I’m like, well, if I get bigger, they’re going to get smaller, and they’ll stop the behavior. But now I’ll stop and be like, all right, I can maintain a calm, and I know that this child eventually will come back to calm with me. I can be their co regulator, and they can do it. I’ve seen it.
Will: You can model how you’re supposed to react in a stressful situation to your child.
CarrieAnn: but knowing that and practicing it over and over and over again. Not perfect, but definitely way better than I can see growth over time. And so looking at that, it’s been fun to see. I’m like, yeah, now this is with one child, I have other children I’m still working a lot on because it’s different, because it’s different for different kids.
Will: That’s an important point to remember too, is that each of our relationships with each of our kids is different too. And so it’s not just we’ve achieved the perfect relationship with child number two. We’re success as a parent forever. It’s like, wait, we’ve got seven other children, we got to work. But it’s something, I think, to be honest, to realize that each of our kid needs something a little different from us.
Will: And so parenting child number five, the way that I parent child number two versus the way I parent child number three isn’t fair to any of them.
Will: And it might be working for one of them, but it’s not working for the other two.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And so that success as a parent is all about how I behave and how I’m interacting and how I’m being the calm one, being the one who’s modeling good behaviors, being the one who’s encouraging and building up our kiddos, if.
Having a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset really opens a world of possibilities
CarrieAnn: You really think about it too, as we are recognizing that and measuring our success and how we’re growing and how we are learning to be better parents, how we’re learning to interact with each of our kids differently, loving them equally, but interacting with them, the way that they need. We’re also modeling for them good patterns of behavior. I recognize that. I’ve heard people say, well, this is just the way that I am. And yes, there is an element that we need to recognize that we’re made a certain way and there’s things about ourselves that we can’t necessarily change. You can’t change how tall you are, you can’t change. And being comfortable than that, but recognizing that we can still grow, because we can always grow. And I think that’s one of the biggest things I want to teach our kids, is that there’s always new things you can learn, there’s always new ways you can apply wisdom to your life, that you can change how you interact with people, that you can love people better. And in modeling that for my kids is such a gift.
Will: It is.
CarrieAnn: I mean, it really is.
Will: And taking that a step further, you can’t change how your parents raised you.
Will: You can’t change your experiences, where you grow up, how you grew up. You can’t change any of those things, but you can’t let that define you either. That doesn’t limit you believing that you have the ability to grow and change. Having a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset, really opens a world of possibilities, both for us as parents and for our children, which comes from a great book called Mindsets by Carol Dwick. You should read it if you’re a parent. It’s fabulous. But this idea of a growth mindset, just believing that we can continue to grow and challenge and learn more, it’s so powerful. It’s really a fantastic book.
CarrieAnn: It really. I mean, that mentality is just so important. I think I was having a conversation with a young adult this past summer, and I was telling her, and I was like, you know what? I just want to keep learning till the day that I die. I never want to stop learning and growing. And she was like, oh, that’s a really good idea. I was like, okay, yeah, I got one. So this has been a fun conversation.
Will: It is.
How do we define success as a parent? Three main points discussed
Will: Should we recap really quick?
CarrieAnn: Definitely recap.
Will: Go back through our three main points here.
CarrieAnn: Our three main points. So point number one is, ask yourself why I parent the way that I do and how do I define success as a parent?
Will: And the follow up question to that is, am I okay with that?
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: Right? I mean, once you say that out loud or write it down or discuss it with your significant other, look at it in the light of day, am I okay with defining this as success?
CarrieAnn: Is that what I want? Do I think that’s reasonable? Do I think that that is fair? Do I think that is things that I want to instill in my kids?
Will: Yeah. Point number two is we can’t use.
CarrieAnn: Our children’s behavior as a measure. As tempting as it is whether our children do good things or not, so good things sometimes, whether they go to.
Will: College or whether they stay at home for many, many years or any of.
CarrieAnn: Those things, we can’t let that define our parenting skills. We need to. Look, I mean, if you really think about it, how many times do you. Wow. This might not be a fair question, but how many times do you go, well, I made that decision, and it’s all my parents fault? Sometimes people do that.
Will: It’s easy for people to do that. But if you’re a grown adult, you should be able to acknowledge that you do have free will and you are capable of making your own decisions.
CarrieAnn: Exactly. All right. And point number three, how do we define our success as parents? Will.
Will: We need to measure success as a parent by our own personal growth and our behaviors.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, we believe you can do it, guys.
Will: We do. And again, we never want you to come out of this episode feeling beaten down or sad. This is an encouragement. We are in this with you. We struggle with this just like anybody else does, constantly. And we are just here to share with you things and perspectives and ideas and concepts that have helped us and really encouraged us over the years. So thank you for joining us tonight. As always, reach out, via email or any of the other methods we’ve got on our website. Contact us if you got questions, if you have suggestions for a future episode, or if you just want to chat about a situation you got going on at home, we’d love to give you our thoughts and to share with you.
CarrieAnn: Absolutely.
Connected parenting minute helps parents become better parents one connected parenting minute at a time
Will: So before we go, we want to.
CarrieAnn: Remind you, you don’t have to be.
Will: A perfect parent, but we can all get a little bit better. One connected parenting minute at a time.
CarrieAnn: Thank you so much for listening to my mom and Dad’s podcast. It means a lot to me. Make sure to like and subscribe on the way out.
Intro/Outro: For more parenting tips or to connect with us, check out the connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. Or you can send us an email using connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
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