Season 02 Episode 06
💬 Show Notes
In this heartwarming episode, Will and CarrieAnn Standfest tackle the transformative power of the ‘redo’ in parenting.
Discover how this simple yet profound tool can build resilience and teach children that mistakes aren’t failures, but opportunities to learn and grow. The Standfests candidly share personal anecdotes, revealing how redos have shaped their family dynamics, fostering an environment where it’s safe to be imperfect. They also turn the mirror on themselves, discussing the importance of parents giving themselves permission to try again, modeling humility and continuous improvement to their children. This episode is a treasure trove of insights for any parent seeking to create a nurturing home where everyone gets a second chance to get it right.
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Season 2 Episode 6 of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast
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Episode Keywords
Redos, Parenting Techniques, Resilience, Growth Mindset, Family Dynamics, Foster Care, Adoption, Connection-Based Parenting, Positive Parenting, Parenting Podcast, Parenting Tips, Grace in Parenting, Learning from Mistakes, Modeling Behavior, Continuous Improvement, Parenting Journey
#connectedparenting #redo #resilience #growthmindset #positiveparenting #learningfrommistakes #modelingbehavior #continuousimprovement #parentingjourney #connectedparentingminute #parentingtips #familydynamics #connectionfirst #fostercare #adoption
Show notes created by https://headliner.app
📋 Episode Chapters
(00:00) This podcast is about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles
(01:39) The redo is a parenting technique that adoptive parents use often
(05:44) A redo is practice. So when we think about our kids, when they’re learning
(12:52) A lot of foster adoptive kids have not seen these things modeled
(13:55) Giving yourself the gift of redo’s can be a gift, darling
(18:43) Parents need to practice the skills they want their kids to get good at
Show Transcript:
CarrieAnn: We’re trying to instill a mentality in our children that if things don’t go right the first time, we can try it again.
Intro/Outro: You’re listening to the connected parenting minute with Will and Carrie Standfest. This podcast, is a conversation about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles. Because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful home. This podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better. One connected parenting minute at a time.
Will: Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. My name is Will Standfest, and I am thrilled that you’ve chosen to spend some time with us here. Joining me, as always, is the lovely, the one and only, my sweet Carrie Ann Standfest.
CarrieAnn: Hello.
Will: It is good to be behind the microphones again with you, my love. How are you doing tonight?
CarrieAnn: I’m doing great. It’s been a time. We’ll go with that.
Will: Yeah. we’ve had an exciting holidays with sick kids and lots going on.
Will: Yeah.
Will: Ah.
CarrieAnn: A lot of sickness going around this year. I don’t know. There was a lot going through our family, and normally that doesn’t completely knock us out, but this year it did.
Will: Yeah. It kind of wrecked us. We all kind of took turns, except for Carrie Anne, thankfully. spending, like, three days on the couch with, like, a 102 103 fever. It was kind of miserable.
CarrieAnn: It was unpleasant. Anyway, we made it, and we’re here.
Will: Survived. We’re here.
CarrieAnn: It’s a new year.
Will: It’s the new year, and we’re ready to get back into it. So hopefully, you guys have enjoyed the first half of the season as we head into the second half of the season.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, it’s exciting.
The redo is a parenting technique that adoptive parents use often
Tonight we’re going to talk about one of our favorite topics, the redo.
Will: The redo.
CarrieAnn: Yes, the redo.
Will: Could the redo be the world’s most powerful parenting tool?
CarrieAnn: It might very well be.
Will: There’s some clickbaity title for you. So, Carrie Ann, the redo is a tool that we use a lot in our home, and we’re very familiar with it. It’s something that adoptive, and foster parents have likely heard before. But let’s take a minute and just unpack. What is a redo? What is this tool, this technique that we’re talking about tonight?
CarrieAnn: That’s a fantastic question. Let’s start by saying that when we have an interaction with our kids, or sometimes even with people, we don’t always maybe react the best way the first time we do that.
Will: What?
CarrieAnn: Yeah. Right. Big surprise. When we talk about a redo, we’re talking about taking a pause on the situation when you recognize it’s gone wrong and calling attention to that. And then a lot of times, well, in the parent child relationship, it can be asking your child or asking for permission to have a redo. Now, our kids know what that is. So when we say that, they’re like, oh, okay. But that’s basically practicing the situation again the right way.
Will: Yeah, because when you have these situations, a lot of times our kids won’t react well the first time. Or we won’t react well the first time.
Will: And how many times in life have you had a conversation? You’re just like, oh, I wish I hadn’t said that.
CarrieAnn: Right. And there’s some situations you can’t take that back from. But when we’re talking about interactions with our kids, we’re not looking for perfection. We’re looking for consistency over time of doing it the right way.
Will: We’re looking for progress.
CarrieAnn: Exactly. We’re looking for progress. And so we want to practice the right way.
Will: We had a kiddo who just came up give us a really sassy response to being asked to take out the garbage.
Will: And what do we do in that situation? If we’re going to try to offer a redo as a parenting technique, one.
CarrieAnn: Thing we could do is be like, hey, wow, that was a really big reaction. And this, of course, is if I’m in a good place. And so with that, you go, why don’t we try to redo that situation? Do you want to drink a water first? Is there something else you need? But typically offering that, let’s redo, that has been enough because we’ve practiced that enough in our family to be able to have that kid go, oh, right. Roll their eyes and then go, hey, all right, can I take out the trash?
Will: When a child has a bad reaction to taking out the trash or cleaning up the dishes or something they genuinely don’t want to do, and they react like a child. Something that works for our family, and I know that it’s worked for a lot of other families, too, is to give the child a chance to redo the situation, to practice their response again, and this is not, hey, that was disrespectful. You need to redo that right now because again, that’s confrontational. You’re escalating the situation. If you can come at this in a playful tone of voice, and you can make a little silly and kind of get the kid to almost laugh at themselves just a little bit.
Will: Normally that kind of diffuses the tension of the situation. And once you get that kid out of that fight, flight or freeze mode, once they’re out of their survival brain, their prefrontal cortex is back online and they’re thinking and engaging again. They know they didn’t handle that the best. As long as you’re kind and playful with it, a lot of times the kids will be like, okay, I can try that again. One of the ways to make it kind and playful is to let them practice the wrong way to do it.
CarrieAnn: Right. We’ve talked about this before. The right way, wrong way.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: That works particularly well with one of our children at this moment.
Will: Well, they find it hilarious to be able to give permission to do it the wrong way. And some of our children are very good at being dramatic. I mean, I don’t know if any of your children are like this, but we do have dramatic children. It’s crazy, right?
A redo is practice. So when we think about our kids, when they’re learning
CarrieAnn: Anyways, we should probably get to point number one.
Will: So that’s what a redo is.
Will: Exactly.
Will: So point number one would be.
CarrieAnn: Point number one is that a redo is practice.
Will: A redo is practice. Okay.
CarrieAnn: So when we think about our kids, when they’re learning a new skill, they’re trying to ride their bike or they’re learning how to write something for the first time, they have to practice that skill, right?
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: They need continually to do it and to get the feel for it and understand how it feels. And so they have to practice those things. And so when we utilize a redo, what we’re doing essentially is saying, whoa, this was not the right way to do it. And again, if we can engage playfully with the kids and get them to practice doing it the right way, we’re giving them the skills to be able to eventually, hopefully, automatically do it the way that they know is respectful, that they know is kind, but we tend to, react out of whatever we’re feeling in the moment. And that’s giving them intentional practice to be mindful of their reactions of what they’re saying, the words that are coming out of their mouth.
Will: Yeah, I really like that. It’s a really powerful way to give your kids a chance to practice these skills that you’re trying to teach, because we’re trying to teach them skills that they need in life, how to succeed in stressful situations, how to do self care, how to follow through with their.
CarrieAnn: Word, how to pay attention to how they’re feeling and what words come out of their mouth as a result of that.
Will: Yeah, that’s a big one.
CarrieAnn: And also, hopefully, as they engage more in the world, when they run across someone who’s disrespectful, they recognize that rather than reacting to it, they’re like, wow, they need a redo. Hopefully that won’t be the words that come out of their mouth. but if it is, maybe it’ll catch on and it’ll go far.
Will: That’s a really good point. I hadn’t thought about that. But you’re also helping them practice that idea of, wow, that reaction didn’t go well.
Will: And not instantly escalating the situation, but recognizing that it didn’t go well. And then you’re trying to brainstorm, how do we fix this? How do we help this go better? Because that’s a huge skill for conflict in life, especially as adults. M to not instantly go to fight, flight, or freeze. When you have an interaction with somebody that doesn’t go well, especially with another adult, being able to go into an uncomfortable situation and be like, m maybe you’re having a discussion with your boss that gets really uncomfortable or frustrating or with a coworker, and you’re like, okay, how can I change this? How can I redo this interaction? And you’re not saying this out loud, you’re kind of saying this internally. But that’s a huge skill to have that to take into the workplace and into your adult life.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, no, definitely. So our first point is that a redo is practice.
Will: What is point number two, darling?
CarrieAnn: Point number two is that kids really do need to have redo’s.
Will: Okay. Kids need to have redo’s. Say more about that.
CarrieAnn: You think about it. Our kids are learning and they’re growing, and they’re constantly having to change and interact with new situations they’ve never encountered before. Yeah, I mean, there’s times when we, as adults, encounter situations that are new to us, and they’re not always going to know how to engage in those interactions. And so when they engage in those interactions and they do it poorly, because they’re going to We are giving them the opportunity to redo that interaction in a healthy way, and we’re coaching them through that. We’re basically trying to instill a mentality that if you don’t get it right the first time, try again.
Will: Don’t m miss that. That’s big right there.
CarrieAnn: That is big. I mean, it’s resiliency. Isn’t that the word? I was thinking about that. We’re trying to instill a mentality in our children that if things don’t go right the first time, we can try it again.
Will: Yeah. We don’t just give up. We don’t just throw a fit, we don’t start a fight.
CarrieAnn: Because things aren’t going the way that we anticipated or wanted them to. We get to retry it. And I think that’s really important, especially with littles as they’re engaging in the world around them and they’re trying new things. But then too, as our kids are getting older and they’re fighting more of that, well, who should I be? How should I engage in the world? How can I react in this situation when we give them the opportunity to go ahead and try something again if it didn’t go well? I think that that is really important and I think that’s something that I wish I’d learned earlier, on.
Will: Oh, yeah, for sure.
CarrieAnn: We just really need to stress that mentality that kids, they really just need to have that opportunity to redo situations.
Will: Right. And I think too, a, piece of that. What I’m hearing you say behind this is you want to create an environment where it feels safe to not be good at something instantly.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: You’re telling your kid it’s okay that you’re not good at this yet.
Will: I know that you can practice and get better.
Will: How powerful is that of a soundtrack or a mindset to give your kid is that? I’m not good at this yet, but I’m going to get good at it.
CarrieAnn: Right. We talk a lot about kids that come from foster of adoptive situations. And they may have never experienced some of these concepts of, an adult showing them the right way to engage in a situation or how to be respectful in a certain situation or how to respectfully disagree with someone. And so when we model that for them, when we show them how to do that by going, let’s redo that situation, let’s figure out how we could have done it better. And you give them more input and say, you know what, there’s a lot of ways we could have done that. What do you think are some of those ways?
Will: Oh, yeah. Well, that’s great, because the more they can be engaged in being like, well, I mean, I guess I could have done it like this.
Will: All of a sudden you’ve got them. If they can make a suggestion or two, and even if the suggestion isn’t great, if you can use a piece of it or build off of that, or use that as a platform to kind of guide them into the way you want them to handle that situation, man. Now they feel like, oh, hey, I can figure these things out. Like, I knew that.
Will: Even if they didn’t actually know that, because you’re validating what they’re saying, and it feels like that led the two of you together into the solution that you want them to get to.
Will: They would feel a lot of ownership in that. A lot of, okay, I’m a part of this. I can do things, I can succeed.
A lot of foster adoptive kids have not seen these things modeled
Because what you’re saying there, too also jumped out at me of how a lot of our foster adoptive kiddos have not seen these things modeled. M they just don’t know.
Will: Right.
Will: And so we need to give them the grace that they genuinely may not have ever had this explained to them that I want you to try to handle this situation in a different way.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: So it’s a lot of good things to think about, especially in teen years of giving them a lot of input into, because we’re not trying to create a mini version of ourselves or a mini version of whoever we think that they should be.
Will: I mean, we are a little bit.
CarrieAnn: We shouldn’t be, but that’s not the goal. But when we get them engaged in that process and get them engaged in coming up with solutions to it, then we’re brainstorming, we’re saying, hey, we’re here beside you. We’re setting boundaries by saying this situation wasn’t okay. We’ll help you brainstorm a different way to handle it and practice it.
Will: Yeah, that’s really good. I love it.
Giving yourself the gift of redo’s can be a gift, darling
So point number three, darling, is give.
CarrieAnn: Yourself the gift of redo’s.
Will: Wait, what? Give myself the gift of a redo?
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: What are you trying to say here?
CarrieAnn: I’m saying there may be one or two times where we may not handle a situation the most perfect way that we perfectly could possibly handle it. And, maybe telling ourselves we can do redo our situation or that situation might be a gift.
Will: It certainly can be. Because, goodness sakes, my children will testify to you how much I don’t get it right on the first try.
CarrieAnn: But yeah, there’s a lot of that going on.
Will: But you know what? That’s why there’s grace and that’s why we say over and over every episode, you don’t have to be a perfect parent.
Will: But if we are working as parents to get better one connected parenting minute at a time, we are accepting that we need to practice things. We don’t do things perfectly the first time we are willing to redo things again, more is taught than taught. So if we are modeling to our children that, hey, I’m really sorry how I just spoke to you. Can I quick have a redo on that one?
Will: That really disarms the situation. Especially when we as parents are really out of line. Somebody came home with a bad grade or got caught doing something on the Internet or talking to the girlfriend or whatever. The situation is when we have that initial reaction where we kind of fly off the handle and yell and we have that moment where we’re like, oh, that is not how I wanted to handle that.
Will: Having the humility and the maturity to be able to say, hey, buddy, I really handled that poorly. Can we back up and can I just redo that? Can we try that again?
Will: There’s a lot of humility and a lot of vulnerability there that I think is modeling skills you want to see in your kid.
Will: And is giving them the permission again to not be perfect the first time.
CarrieAnn: Right. And I think that some of the most impactful moments to me as a child were when I saw my parents humanity.
Will: Ah.
CarrieAnn: When I recognized that they weren’t perfect but they owned that. I think that was a bigger piece to it because you get to a certain age and you realize, yeah, your parents grew up. But when I would see them owning their mistakes in whatever way that they did it. And I have a few certain situations that I can think of, but that made the biggest impact on me because it told me that I was important enough that they were going to address it and that they were going to own the stuff that they had and either apologize to me or do something to make it right. And that just made me feel so connected to them.
Will: Oh, yeah, that’s really good. I’ve actually had both sides of that experience. I can think of times where my parents apologized and it was really great. But I can also think of times where they just would refuse to admit they were wrong.
Will: Where they didn’t handle something the way they said they were going to, or they kind of flew off the handle and were out of line and everyone in the room knew it, including them, and they just wouldn’t say, I’m sorry.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Like it drives you crazy as a kid.
Will: And we don’t want to do those things to our kiddos. We want to show them a better way.
CarrieAnn: Right. And I think, too, there is an element that when we own our stuff to our kids and we say, hey, you know what? I didn’t handle that situation well. Can I have a redo? You get to practice m the right way. And I have parentheses in the air when I say that. But we tend to start thinking eventually. If we keep doing that, if maybe a certain situation keeps coming up, or whatever the case may be, that helps us start thinking down the line of, oh, maybe I don’t want to react like that. We’re practicing the way that we want to react, even if it’s after the fact. I think we hold ourselves to a really high standard and we want to get it right the first time, especially when we start learning about this concept of connected parenting and all the things that come with it, and it’s overwhelming, and then we screw up, and then we’re like, I’m, a failure. I’ll never get this right. That’s why we focus on little incremental things, right?
Will: Yeah. One step at a time.
CarrieAnn: Exactly. So I think that it’s important to remember that when we are doing this and we’re practicing, we may not see results right away, but that it’s a long term process. We’re continually working towards doing it better.
Will: That’s great. I love it.
Parents need to practice the skills they want their kids to get good at
All right, so I think that about gets us the time here tonight. So let’s recap the three points here really quick before we head out.
CarrieAnn: So, point number one is a redo is practice. Remember, we practice what we want to get good at.
Will: Yes, that’s good. Point number two, kids need to have redo’s. They need to practice the skills that we want them to get good at.
Will: Yes.
CarrieAnn: And point number three is give yourself the gift of a redo.
Will: Because shockingly, we as parents are not actually perfect.
Will: Despite what our children think.
CarrieAnn: I don’t think that’s right.
If you have a minute, please jump on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts
Will: All right, well, that covers our podcast for today. We are so thankful that you took a few minutes out of your day to spend listening to us. I hope that these thoughts have blessed you and encouraged you. If you have a minute, please jump on Spotify or on Apple Podcasts and leave us a review. We’d love to get this podcast out there and share it with more people. And the easiest way that you can help us do that is by telling your friends and by leaving a review. So thank you for taking a minute of doing that. In the meantime, before we go, we.
CarrieAnn: Want to remind you, you don’t have to be a perfect parent,
Will: but we can all get a little bit better. One connected parenting minute at a time.
Outro: Thank you so much for listening to my mom and dad’s podcast. It means a lot to me. Make sure to like and subscribe on the way out.
Intro/Outro: For more parenting tips or to connect with us, check out the connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. Or you can send us an email using connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
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