Season 02 Episode 08
In this episode of Connected Parenting Minute, join Will and CarrieAnn Standfest as they explore the fine line between sweating the small stuff and setting healthy expectations for our children. They share personal stories and insights on how our reactions as parents become the blueprint for our children’s sense of normal. From managing time to the nuances of parenting both biological and adopted children, the Standfests discuss the importance of recognizing our triggers and teaching our children to navigate life’s little challenges. Whether it’s dealing with slow mornings or learning to set the tone for a peaceful home, this episode is packed with thoughtful strategies and a reminder that every parent’s journey is unique. Tune in as they also tease upcoming content, including their experience with a transformative training and their first speaking engagement. Remember, in the world of connected parenting, it’s not about perfection, but progress—one minute at a time.
🗣️ Quotes from Will And CarrieAnn Standfest
“If we set up unrealistic expectations, we are setting ourselves up for frustration, and that’s not fair to the children.”
“Our reactions set the tone for their normal.”
Season 2 Episode 8 of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast
For more content:
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Episode Keywords
Parenting Expectations, Frustrations, Connected Parenting, Trauma-Informed Care, Adoption, Foster Care, Parenting Tips, Family Dynamics, Brain Science, Normalizing Behavior, Parenting Podcast, Communication, Setting Tone, Healthy Relationships, Personal Growth
#connectedparenting #parentingexpectations #familydynamics #traumainformed #adoption #fostercare #brainscience #healthyrelationships #communication #personalgrowth #parentingminute #podcast #parentingtips
Show notes created by https://headliner.app
Music by https://lesfm.net/
📋 Episode Chapters
📋 Episode Chapters
(00:00) The connected parenting minute is a conversation about parenting using connection first
(04:17) Tonight’s topic is the small stuff, and a lot of people like small stuff
(06:07) Some children are capable of getting ready on their own, some are not
(09:52) Connected Parenting Minute will help you with your biggest connected parenting struggles
(10:35) Wrestling teaches parents how to deal with small things that bug them
(12:23) Jordan Peterson says that our reactions set the tone for our children’s normal
(19:35) You are the parent. You are the adult in the parent child relationship
(20:18) Ryan and Kayla north host the empowered parent podcast down in Texas
(21:28) We thank each one of our listeners for tuning in every week
(22:07) Check out the connect connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook
Show Transcript:
The connected parenting minute is a conversation about parenting using connection first
Will: If we set up unrealistic expectations, we are setting ourselves up for frustration, and that’s not fair to the children.
Intro/Outro: You’re listening to the connected parenting minute with Will and CarrieAnn Ann Standfest. This podcast is a conversation about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles. Because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful home. This podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better. One connected parenting minute at a time.
Will: Hello, and welcome back to the podcast. My name is Will Standfest, and joining me, as always, is the, one and only CarrieAnn Ann Standfest.
CarrieAnn: Hello.
Will: Hey, hon. How are you doing tonight?
CarrieAnn: I am doing very well now that we got started.
Will: It’s been a rough night getting started.
CarrieAnn: It has. But you know what? That’s what had. Since we recorded last. It’s been a hot minute. we’ve gone through some stuff. I went into Oklahoma City for a whole week and left you here with all the kids. Superhero, husband, father, and everyone was living and breathing when I came home.
Will: It’s only eight.
CarrieAnn: I did that, which was fabulous. I got some really, really great training from the amazing Cindy Lee.
Will: Cindy Lee.
CarrieAnn: Cindy Lee.
Will: She’s amazing.
CarrieAnn: And we’ll talk about that in a future podcast. I think you just came up with that idea.
Will: You should tease them just a little bit. Just give them a little taste, what it was about.
CarrieAnn: Okay. So the training was to be a facilitator for a group program going through, calling, making sense of your worth.
Will: Making sense of your worth. That sounds really interesting.
CarrieAnn: It was beautiful. It was very, very helpful to me personally. And I think there’s a lot to be said for when parents, and I mean, people in general, can just start to understand that they are precious and priceless. It’s so good.
Will: That sounds really good.
CarrieAnn: It really is. But when I came back, then we had to major, major prep for our first official talk that we gave in front of, like, 70 plus people, our first Speaking gig. There we go. Our speaking engagement, if you call it that, super cool.
Will: It was so fun.
CarrieAnn: It really was. I had such a good time with it, and we were talking with a group of homeschool parents because that’s part of our story and just some of the things that we’re learning and kind of sharing with that group. But it was a whole hour. I mean, that was a lot.
Will: Yeah, we spoke for an hour and.
CarrieAnn: Then took questions and then took questions. That was fun. It just took a lot out of me.
Will: It was a lot of work getting ready for it. We spent a couple, several hours prepping and practicing and getting things together. And then we said, hey, why don’t we take live questions after practicing? We’re going to practice the hour long portion four or five times, and then let’s just punt.
CarrieAnn: Wing it.
Will: Let’s just wing it for like, the last 15 minutes. And, man, I had a moment up there. I’m like, why did we agree to take live questions? Oh, my gosh. Can I really think of this stuff on my feet? And then, of course, my wife bailed me out. She did amazing. Totally knocked it out of the park.
CarrieAnn: It was a group effort.
Will: It was good. I really enjoyed myself. There were some really good discussions in the q a, too. I appreciated the questions that people brought. They were honest, thoughtful questions that people were really kind of wrestling with. How do you apply connected parenting to life? Yeah. Right. because the talk was, why does connected parenting matter? We unpacked a little bit of the brain science and some practical tips and then kind of brought it all back around to why. And it was really enjoyable. We really had a great time, and I appreciate everybody that was there. Thank you for your kind feedback. That was wonderful.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, no, it really was good, and I’m glad we did it. And I’m looking forward to doing more of that type of stuff in the future because it’s fun.
Will: Yeah. Well, hey, and for one more little tease, we did submit our own breakout panel proposal for a conference this fall.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. So if we get into that, we’ll definitely pass along the information in case some listeners want to come see us in person.
Will: Yeah. It’d be fabulous. I’m so excited.
CarrieAnn: Okay, we should probably get to tonight’s topic.
Tonight’s topic is the small stuff, and a lot of people like small stuff
Will: Well, tonight’s topic, honey, tonight’s topic is the small stuff.
CarrieAnn: Uh-huh Which is literally what we’re talking about is the small stuff.
Will: It is the small stuff, and a lot of people like the small stuff. Why would we talk about the small stuff?
CarrieAnn: Because sometimes it can feel big.
Will: Sometimes we have big reactions to the small stuff.
CarrieAnn: That’s true. That is very, very true.
Will: So point number one, don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the small stuff. But this is world ending. This is not the small stuff. They didn’t get ready on time, and I’m late and I’m embarrassed. Wait, did I say the inside part out loud?
CarrieAnn: Yeah, I think you did. I think one of the things that we tend to, you hear that all the time, right? Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Will: Yeah. This is a cliche term.
CarrieAnn: It really is. But here’s the heart behind it. So many times as parents, we get into this mindset because when our kids are itty bitty, we are responsible for every aspect of their lives. Right. We’re responsible for them making sure that they brush their teeth well. Sometimes it’s us brushing them and working through these things. And as they start getting older and as they start taking on, more responsibility for their own actions, they kind of have an opinion sometimes about how to do it. And it’s hard because we’re like, well, we know the best way to make that happen. We already know that. We know that if they brush their teeth with their pajamas on, they might get toothpaste on them. So what makes most sense is brush your teeth and then changing your pajamas or whatever variation of that. But in all actuality, does it matter if they have their pajamas on first? Should they brush their teeth first?
Will: Probably not.
CarrieAnn: Not really.
Will: Yeah.
Some children are capable of getting ready on their own, some are not
Well, and what this topic came up originally because I had a moment trying to get one of our children on the bus, and some of our children are capable of getting ready in a few minutes.
CarrieAnn: Some are not.
Will: Most of them are not.
Will: Okay, we’ll give them some. We’ll give them some. And it was just one of these situations where this kiddo was going to be late for the bus. They were moving like a glacier, and it was just. And it really set me off. I was just like, come on, we got to go. Like, let’s move. And just on and on and on. And I remembered reflecting on it, I was pretty agitated. I was not proud of how I acted, and I was like, what can I do? How do I make this different next time? This can’t be the way it goes every time we try to get on the bus.
CarrieAnn: Right? It is hard, especially with those situations that keep coming up over and over again. One thing I will say, too, is that the thing that I’m recognizing that some of our, even when we gave our talk and stuff, you and I are parenting from the lens of both biological and adopted kids. So there is an element that we don’t fit clearly into either category, necessarily, because we’re doing both. And the thing that all this connected parenting aspect in trying to connect with those kids that weren’t born to us is float over, and we recognize the importance of it and float over to our biological kids. But there’s a whole wrestling of emotions that go on with that, too. But in some instances, some kids are capable of doing those things, those simple things. Right. And some kids are not quite as capable or need extra support in doing that.
Will: Yeah. That’s a really good thing to recognize.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. And so it’s tricky sometimes when we’re talking about this, just to remember that some kids need more than other kids do. And that’s okay. It’s just taking into account and consideration of what they need and how to meet that need. But it makes it hard as a parent because it’s not, a one size fits all. And when you’re talking about two, three, eight kids, it can be kind of exhausting sometimes going, oh, my gosh, what does that kid need now?
Will: Yeah. Well, and even that, by having more kids, it’s very easy for you and me to fall into the trap of, this child is now 17 years old. Uh-huh. They should be capable of doing this on their own.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Because so and so did it when they were that age, and so and so did that when they were that age. And when I was your age, I was able to like, oh, that’s exactly.
CarrieAnn: Where I was going to go with that is like when I was your age. But, I mean, you and I have been having conversations lately of how dramatically different our children are. The age that they’re growing up in now is from the time that you and I were growing up.
Will: Right.
CarrieAnn: And setting reasonable expectations for that is really important.
Will: It really is.
CarrieAnn: Because when we set them up against a, measure that they’re never going to hit or it’s just like apples and oranges. Right. You can’t compare two things that are so vastly different.
Will: Yeah. And the fundamental place that frustrations come from is unmet expectations. Yeah. And so when we set our expectations up in an unreal place for that child, for their abilities, based on their experiences, based on their past, based on whatever the situation is, if we set up unrealistic expectations, we are setting ourselves up for frustration, and that’s not fair to the children. So point number one is, don’t sweat the small stuff.
Connected Parenting Minute will help you with your biggest connected parenting struggles
Before we go to point number two, I’m going to have a quick word about our end of the season special episode. Hey, you, our favorite listener. We want to answer your question.
CarrieAnn: We have a special bonus episode we’re going to do at the end of season two to help you with your biggest connected parenting struggles. We see you sitting in your car or riding your bike or walking your dog. So spend that time thinking about the things that you’ve been struggling with.
Will: We want to help you be the most connected parent that you can be so contact us using connectedparentingminute@gmail.com, or message.
CarrieAnn: Us on Facebook or Instagram.
Will: Remember, it only takes a minute. And now back to the show.
Wrestling teaches parents how to deal with small things that bug them
CarrieAnn: All right, we’re going to jump to point number two. And I really want. We’re really Wrestling. We’re like, what is point number two for this episode? But we’re going to get to it. You get to decide what the small stuff is.
Will: You get to decide what the small stuff is. Okay. Right.
CarrieAnn: Because we started out, we don’t sweat the small stuff. But in all actuality, when we have a kid that’s doing something that is a small thing, quote unquote, it really isn’t a big thing when we think about it, but it really irritates the bejesus out of us.
CarrieAnn: There is a point where you go, you know what if I’m just getting irritated over and over and over again by this thing that they’re doing and I can’t seem to get over it. Being frustrated and angry or letting that creep over into other parts of our relationship is really just damaging the relationship.
Will: It is.
CarrieAnn: So even though it’s a small thing, there is a certain point where we’re the parent. We get to say, you know what, I’m really not cool with that. Let’s do something different.
Will: And that’s okay. It is. It’s okay to recognize that we as parents, that we’re humans and we do have things that bug us. We do have things that trigger us. It’s not okay to take the, to put the weight of those on our children.
Will: That our child does not have to take the responsibility to avoid our triggers and our buttons. We have a whole episode on that.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Will: And it is also appropriate for us to say, you know what, this situation really bothers me. And we are going to find a different way to handle or approach the situation. We are going to help this child practice the skills they need to be able to handle this situation better in the future, or I’m going to practice skills I need to handle a situation differently in the future.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Jordan Peterson says that our reactions set the tone for our children’s normal
And so here’s the part for me that I’m just kind of like, there’s all these things that I’m wrestling with, right. Internally. And I’m reading a book, by Jordan Peterson. And I have mixed feelings about it. Right. He’s really brilliant in some things. Some things he says I don’t agree with, but that’s okay because that’s what life is. Right? You take things in, you decide what you want to use. You use them and other things, you just discard. But one of the things that he’s been talking about a little bit is the concept of don’t let your children do things that make you not like them. And it’s fascinating because there is an element to it, right? Like, there’s our personal responsibility that we’re training our children. And so if they’re doing something that’s really irritating to us, more than likely it’s really irritating to other people, too. And we want the best for our children, right. So we want to help them do things that are going to make them likable to us and to other people. There’s a lot of pieces in that.
Will: There’s some nuance there.
CarrieAnn: There is.
Will: I would say even as you’re unpacking that, I’m like, boy, that’s complicated. I agree with the idea behind it. I’m not sure I agree with every single little.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Will: Nuance that comes with that, and I’m.
CarrieAnn: Not explaining it super well, but there is a hint of truth in that to some degree, is that, ah, especially as your kids are itty bitty, there’s an element that you are responsible for helping them to socialize with the outside world, to be able to engage what is acceptable interactions with other people. How do we help people to see the best in them and them to see the best in other people? So there’s pieces to that, right. That play a role. So it’s just something that I’m wrestling with and trying to go, How does this fit? Because that was kind of some of the ways that originally, when we started parenting, we were very like, yes, this makes sense, how to do the right way. But now I’m kind of like, okay, well, how do we engage with that? With what we know about the brain science and all these pieces? All that to come back around to our point is that we get to decide what the small stuff is. So if we’re frustrated with our kid because they’re doing something we don’t like, we bear the responsibility to either get over it or to be able to say, hey, we need to change something, because that’s not our kids job, to read our mind and figure out what irritates us and try not to do it.
Will: Yeah, exactly. Basically, yeah, absolutely. All right, so point number two is you decide what the small stuff is. Hm. Point number three, and this is the one that I really appreciate, is our reactions set the tone for their normal. Ooh.
CarrieAnn: Our reactions set the tone for their normal.
Will: The way that we react in a stressful situation or the way we react to a, quote, small thing that they’re doing becomes normalized for our kiddos. M our brains are wired for survival.
Will: They’re wired to function in whatever environment they come up in. And again, taking example out of the adoption and foster care world that we’re a part of. One of some of the things that we’ve learned about the brain science of children who’ve experienced something traumatic, a neglectful situation, an abusive situation, just a chaotic situation at home, whatever it looked like.
Will: For that specific child, your brain tries to normalize that because your brain has this survival thing where I need to know that I’m okay.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: And your brain normalizes your experiences from when you’re a child so that when you are older and you are in an abnormal experience, your brain is like, I don’t recognize this. I don’t feel safe.
Will: And that’s really healthy when you grew up in a safe and healthy environment.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And then you are placed into a situation where you can intuitively sense that something’s not okay. That’s a good thing for your brain to be able to recognize intuitively and kind of sense that and get you out of a situation that may turn into a not so good situation.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: The struggle our kiddos who have experienced trauma have is that they almost crave that level of, they almost crave that level of chaos or some of the dysfunction they experience as a child because their brain has normalized that.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: And so taking that out of the adoption foster care world and putting it kind of into our typical parenting world, how we react in those situations becomes our child’s definition of normal for how to react in that situation. Right.
CarrieAnn: So if you think about it, think about a parent, maybe that, or, okay, so I’m going to go back. Parent child relationship. Like, the parent gets frustrated that the kids aren’t doing something. And so instead of saying, being the parent and saying, hey, this isn’t okay, this is how you need to do it, et cetera, et cetera, they just start slamming the kitchen doors and they start throwing dishes in the sink because they’re frustrated that their kids aren’t cleaning up in the kitchen. They do that all the time. And then when that child grows up, they start doing the same thing because that’s normal to them. Well, my kids aren’t pitching in the way that I’d like them to and rather than stop and teach them and tell them, hey, this is really important. We all need to pitch in as a family. They start slamming the doors in the kitchen and throwing dishes in the sink, because to them, that is what you do. And so that’s just an example of, I mean, it’s not earth shattering, it’s not going to wreck your child or whatever, but the more we can recognize that in ourselves, the more we can set our kids up for success with our, hopefully, grandbabies one day.
Will: Right.
CarrieAnn: and setting those healthy examples. And that’s what this is about, right? This is about reflecting and how we can just do things just a little bit better than we’ve either done them in the past or have experienced them in our own lives.
Will: Yeah. Because if you think about it, how many times when we’re stressed, when we’re overwhelmed, when things are not going well, does stuff just come out of our mouth that our parents used to say?
Will: How many times have you said that one thing that your dad said to you growing up? And you’re like, I will never say that to my kids. And then you’re all hyped up in the moment. You’re like, And you’re like, do as I say, not as I do. Right, or something. And you’re like, oh, no, exactly.
CarrieAnn: Because we do with the things that we find familiar, that we, you know, especially when we talked about when our brains aren’t fully online and we’re not thinking with that prefrontal cortex, that thinking part of our brain, we just do what feels normal to us. And a lot of those things are buried in when we were kids and the things that we experienced ourselves.
Will: All right, well, I think that was a good discussion. And before we completely go off the rails tonight, because we’re both kind of tired. Yeah, I think we’re going to wrap it up and head out.
CarrieAnn: That sounds like a good plan.
Will: So let’s walk back through the three points real quick here, baby, and we will head out.
You are the parent. You are the adult in the parent child relationship
CarrieAnn: All right, so point number one is don’t sweat the small stuff.
Will: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Point number two, you get to decide what the small stuff is.
CarrieAnn: I get to decide.
Will: You. You are the parent. You are the adult in the parent child relationship. You can decide.
CarrieAnn: There’s a lot of peace that comes with that sometimes. Yeah. I’m giving permission to your parents to go, you know what? You get to decide what the small stuff is.
Will: I like it. it’s like you’re empowering our parents.
CarrieAnn: I have a thought about that. I’m going to get to after we get to our last point here.
Will: Point number three. Our reactions set the tone for our children’s normal.
CarrieAnn: The tone for our children’s normal. I like that.
Ryan and Kayla north host the empowered parent podcast down in Texas
All right, I forgot to mention I was a guest on the podcast over the past week, I got to be a guest on the empowered parent podcast down in Texas. And we did, an episode on a parenting masterclass from the Super bowl. So you should definitely check that out. We should link that in the show notes. And we did another one with you. We called you up and, had a phone call. That one’s not released yet, but when that comes out, we should promo, that, too, because that was pretty fun. I remember the conversation being fun.
Will: That was a really good episode. I really liked it.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: I don’t remember what it’s about now, but I remember coming out of that being like, man, that was a good conversation.
CarrieAnn: We’re so great about that because we both remembered, oh, we talked to each other on the podcast, and both had absolutely no idea what it was, but we know it was good. So we’ll just be a surprise, right? Along with our listeners who get a chance to listen to them.
Will: Yeah. So that’s the empowered parent podcast with Ryan and Kayla north, hosted by Chris Turner.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Will: So check that out. The episode about a parenting masterclass from the Super bowl features our very own CarrieAnn Ann Standfest and an upcoming episode we’ll have both of us on.
CarrieAnn: Right.
We thank each one of our listeners for tuning in every week
Will: All right. And before we go, we’re taking a moment to read some of the wonderful reviews we’ve received because they’re very encouraging. They really build us up. And if you want to hear your review, read on an episode, head on over to Apple Podcast and write some nice words. This review is from Namaste Laura. This podcast is full of great tips and tricks to help with parenting with intention. It’s insightful and easy to listen to. Well, thank you. Namaste, Laura. That is very encouraging and kind of you. And we thank each one of our listeners for tuning in every week. It is awesome that there are people out there that are being helped by what we have to say.
Check out the connect connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook
And before we go, we want to.
CarrieAnn: Remind you, you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all.
Will: Get a little bit better one connected parenting minute at a time.
Intro/Outro: Thank you guys for listening to my mom and dad’s podcast. Please, like, share, follow, and subscribe and have a great rest of your day. For more parenting tips or to connect with, us, check out the connect connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram, and Facebook. Or you can send us an email using connectedparentingminute@gmail.com.
The Connected Parenting Minute 