Season 02 Episode 11
💬 Show Notes
In this special Q&A episode of Connected Parenting Minute, your trusted hosts, Will and CarrieAnn Standfest, along with their guest, Kayla North, delve into the complexities of parenting adopted children and managing challenging behaviors.
The trio tackles hard-hitting questions from listeners, providing insights into how to discern between a child’s needs and “naughty” behavior, strategies to address persistent lying rooted in trauma, and the importance of understanding one’s own reactions as a parent.
The Standfests, with their characteristic empathy and experience, share personal stories and offer actionable advice for building trust and connection with children who have faced early adversities.
Kayla North, a seasoned voice in the adoption and foster care community, brings her wisdom to the table, discussing the transformative power of self-reflection and the journey towards becoming more attuned and responsive parents. This episode is a treasure trove of heartfelt guidance, encouraging parents to look inward to improve outward interactions with their children.
The conversation underscores the idea that while perfection is unattainable, progress is possible—one connected parenting minute at a time.
🗣️ Quotes from Will And CarrieAnn Standfest
“It’s not about figuring out when do I punish and when do I not. It’s about what’s the need in the situation.”
“The relationship is the goal.”
🗣️ Quotes from Kayla North
“It’s easier just to go through the situation and apologize to your kid and then just move on, but not actually figure out why did I respond that way.”
Season 2 Episode 11 of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast
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🔑 Episode Keywords
Connected Parenting, Trauma-Informed Principles, Peaceful Home, Parenting Tips, Listener Questions, Adoption And Foster Care, Caring For Siblings, Parenting Challenges, Behavior And Needs, Dealing With Disappointment, Trust And Lying, Relationship Building, Parenting Strategies, Understanding Trauma, Self-Regulation, Emotional Triggers, Family Bonding, Season Finale, Listener Engagement, Empowered Parenting
#connectedparenting #adoption #fostercare #behavior #trust #traumainformed #selfreflection #parentingstrategies #QandA #podcast #relationshipbuilding #childdevelopment
Show notes created by https://headliner.app
Music by https://lesfm.net/
Show Transcript:
The connected parenting minute is a conversation about parenting using connection first
CarrieAnn: It’s easier just to go through the situation and apologize to your kid and.
Kayla: Then just move on and not actually figure out why did I respond that way?
CarrieAnn: Right.
Intro/Outro: You’re listening to the connected parenting minute with Will and CarrieAnn Ann Standfest. This podcast, is a conversation about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles, because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful home. this podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better one connected parenting minute at a time.
Will: Hello and welcome back to the podcast. My name is Will Standfest, and I am so glad that you’ve chosen to join us this wonderful evening. With me, as always, is my lovely wife, Carrie Ann.
CarrieAnn: Hey, everybody.
Will: How are you doing tonight, hun?
CarrieAnn: I am doing really, really, really good tonight. Do you want to know why?
Will: I do want to know why.
CarrieAnn: Because we have a special guest on our podcast tonight.
Will: We do have a very special guest tonight. Tonight is our question and answer episode where we’re kind of celebrating completing season two of the podcast. And we decided to reach out over the last few weeks and have some listener questions. And our good friend Kayla north happened to be in town this week when we’re recording.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, it’s so exciting. Why don’t you, tell us a little bit about our friend Kayla north?
Will: Well, Ryan and Kayla north are friends of ours. For almost four years now, they have been in the adoption and foster care world, speaking about trauma informed care and about caring for siblings and leading ministries. And I’m not doing nearly as good a job at this as I thought I would. They have. We’ve learned a lot. A lot of what we’ve learned about connected parenting and about trauma informed parenting has come from them over the last several years as we’ve gone into our journey through, adoption and foster care and all that. And so we’ve appreciated and we’ve learned a lot from them.
CarrieAnn: And now they’re our friends and we.
Kayla: Come stay at each other’s houses now.
CarrieAnn: That’s right. Kawaii, can you tell us where you’re from? Kayla?
Kayla: So I am from the Dallas Fort Worth area. So we live about ten minutes from the DFW airport, which is really great for when we’re traveling because we don’t have to go very far.
CarrieAnn: That’s true. When people come to your house, I.
Kayla: Know I can come pick them up. It’s really nice. Like when we came out here and we had to be on the flight that left at, like, at 730 in the morning, I was like, that’s a little early, but at least I can kind of roll out of bed and just get there.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, no, absolutely. And there’s, a special reason why you guys came. You want to share that with us?
Kayla: Yeah. So I got to bring my 15 year old daughter. So when our girls met at camp, I think they were like instant friends. Like, you know, they just connected right away. And they’re both in theater, so of course my daughter’s like, I got to come see Annabelle and her, like, play. So, you know, it was like, okay, well, let’s make it happen.
CarrieAnn: So we did, yeah, and it was a surprise for our 15 year old daughter. And she was so excited when we finally kind of, like, picked you up at the airport. There’s a whole story.
Kayla: She was going to Ikea and was a little confused why you turned into the airport.
CarrieAnn: Yep. It was, it was a surprise because her friend wanted to keep it a secret, and so we were like, let’s do it. And she was really hoping that you guys would come. But she’s like, I get it, you know, like, okay, it’s not gonna work. But she was a little suspicious.
Kayla: I told Brooklyn, I was like, you gotta tell her that. Like, you know, I don’t think we can afford it right now and just play it up. Like, I’m so mad my parents can’t make it work or whatever. And she was like, I’m not gonna lie to her mom. And I was like, okay, fine.
Speaker E: That’s right.
Kayla: For a surprise. I mean, you can kinda fib a little.
Will: It was funny. Cause at one point she had, she tried, she was trying to corner Brooklyn on it. She’s like, yeah, we can’t. Because Brooklyn was trying to, for me, reading the text, I could tell she was trying to avoid answering the question directly and was like, no, tell me 100%. Are you coming or not?
Kayla: And then she’s like, oh, I hear my mom calling.
Will: Yeah, it’s like something like that. Just told. And it was like, I don’t know.
Kayla: Like she hasn’t waited.
Will: No, but I don’t think she’s coming.
Kayla: Right? It was, it was fun.
Will: It was fun. It was really special. my daughter really enjoyed them coming for couple days and doing that, but.
Kayla: Oh, yeah, I was glad. I’m glad we have the flexibility since we, you know, homeschool and we can just kind of. Sure, let’s go. Let’s do it. So it’s kind of fun.
CarrieAnn: No, it’s, it’s been great. And there’s just this element of being able to do something special for your kid and, you know, on both ends. Right. For sure. It’s.
Kayla: It’s.
CarrieAnn: It’s nice to be able to say yes to your kids.
Kayla: Yeah, absolutely.
We’ve been asking for listener questions about parenting for our special episode
CarrieAnn: Awesome. Well. Well, we’ve been talking about our special question and answer episode, so we should start off with our first question.
Will: Yes. Anybody who’s listening to the podcast. The last few weeks, we’ve been asking for some listener questions to kind of celebrate the end of the season, and we wanted to directly dive into, the questions that are on your mind. And so we’ve got a handful of questions we’re going to walk through tonight. The first one, I think, is one we’ve. I think all three of us have heard many times. The question is, I’ve heard you talking about how behaviors can be expressing needs, but how can we tell the difference between when my child is expressing a need and when they’re just being naughty?
CarrieAnn: Just being naughty.
Kayla: Yep. So you want to spend the whole episode on just that answer, right?
Will: Right.
Kayla: Cause that’s what it’s gonna take, right? Oh,
Speaker E: Gosh, yeah.
Kayla: I think I’ve heard that question more than anything, because really what’s being asked is, when can I punish my kid and when do I have to, like. Like, do this kind of connected parenting stuff? Right. Like. Cause that’s the question I feel like most people are asking is, like, okay, I get it that sometimes it’s a need, but when they melt down because I didn’t give them candy, that’s not really a need, that’s a want, and they’re just being a brat, you know?
Will: Yeah, it feels like that.
Kayla: I mean, goodness sakes, it does, right? Absolutely. Especially when it’s in a really public place like the grocery store, and you’re like, everybody’s eyes are on me, and they’re wondering what I’m going to do with my melting down kid. Right. Yes. Yeah.
CarrieAnn: I think we’ve definitely faced that situation more than once.
Speaker E: And it’s.
CarrieAnn: It’s hard because when you think about it, there is. I mean, like, when you really step back and you’re not the emotional parent in the moment, you recognize it can be both because, I mean, like, when we’re. When we want something, we want it. And we’re not going to pay attention to other things. Like, adults do this, too, right? They want something and it’s not reasonable or whatever, but I just want it. And there’s not a really good reason behind it, but maybe there’s you’re not thinking clearly because you’re tired or because you’re hungry or because something else is going on. And so there is, like, a need under there.
CarrieAnn: But our kids are the same way. Right.
Kayla: Well, and sometimes it’s. It’s not that they needed the candy at the store, it’s that they need more skills to deal with the disappointment of not getting the candy.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Will: Oh, there it is.
Kayla: And so it’s like, yeah, it’s. It’s a need, but it’s not a need for the thing. It’s a need for the skill. And so we get the opportunity to teach a skill in the moment. Right. So. Oh, you’re so disappointed that you couldn’t have that candy. I know it’s really hard, and I wish I could always say yes to candy, but today’s not a day we’re getting candy, you know, and, like, just being able to, like, identify the. The emotion that they’re dealing with and help them figure out ways to deal with their big feelings. Cause we all have big feelings.
Will: Yeah, absolutely.
Kayla: But we can’t always throw a fit every time we have a big feeling. But as adults with adult brains, we know that, and we’re able to regulate ourself most of the time.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Kayla: We’ve all seen adults have fits in the store because they didn’t get what they wanted. Right. I think we even have a phrase, a, name we call people that ask for the manager. Right. Like, throwing a little mini fit in the store because they didn’t get what they wanted. Right. And wasn’t a need. They just didn’t know how to express their big emotions because they didn’t have the skills for that moment. Or they, like you said, they were hungry, they were tired. That was just the final straw for the day of, like, I’ve had so many disappointments that I couldn’t handle one more disappointment. It put me out of that window of tolerance.
CarrieAnn: Right. Well, and then I actually think of a situation that happened tonight that illustrates this, because as parents, we can be in the position, if we are thinking clearly, if we’re self regulated, of anticipating some of the things that our children might experience and kind of heading them off at the past.
Kayla: Yep.
CarrieAnn: So the example for tonight is our youngest was very excited about playing with your daughter.
Kayla: Yes.
CarrieAnn: And she had mentioned earlier they wanted to draw together. And it’s getting later. It’s getting later. We did a little extra. We went to the park, you know, and so it’s getting close to it.
Kayla: We did lots of fun, right?
CarrieAnn: We did lots of fun things, but she was stuck. And she was like, I want to do this drawing thing with her because I know she’s leaving. And then, you know, I’m not gonna get another chance. And I’m like, oh, my gosh, if I tell her she can’t, she’s gonna lose her stuff. And I know that it’s really important to her. And I was like, how can I, like, diffuse this situation a little bit? And I kinda came in there and I was like, babe, I know you really wanna do this, but you really need to go to bed. So what if we say tomorrow you can come with us when we drive to the airport? And she was like, yep, I want that. Okay, good night, mommy. You know, but there was like, I knew I could anticipate that there was going to be, that was going to be hard for her. And so I was like, how can we work the situation so that way we both win kind of in the end?
Kayla: right. Well, because the reality was she just wanted more time with Brooklyn before she left.
Connected parenting is about anticipating the situation and making a compromise
So she’s still getting more time before she leaves.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Kayla: In the morning and not tonight. Exactly. Exactly.
Will: Well, and the other part about that piece is, like you’re saying, anticipating the situation, you’re being the detective. Like, you’re reading the situation, you can see it coming, and you’re like, what can I do before this gets high? How can I catch it low? Yeah, how can I catch it low? And anticipate a way, kind of a round or a compromise we can make that would help this situation go well.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Will: When you can see it heading south.
Kayla: I think, like, you know, back to, like, the original question is, like, how do you tell the difference? I don’t think you have to tell the difference. I think is a really, the reality behind that. Because if we’re really just trying to figure out when do we get to punish them and when do we, you know, when do we use connected parenting? We should always use connected parenting. Like, the relationship is the goal.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Kayla: And so if relationship is the goal, then it’s not about figuring out when do I punish and when do I not. It’s about what’s the need in the situation. And there’s always a need, there’s always, behavior always has function in the, you know, context. It’s like, just, what is it functioning as? Is it telling me I need to work on a skill? Is it telling me that, you know, maybe I’m hungry and I’m tired or some other physical need that hasn’t been met or whatever. And I think, you know, the real answer is, it’s always about relationship. And it’s never, an either or.
Speaker E: It’s just.
Kayla: There’s always a need of some sort.
Will: Yeah, absolutely.
CarrieAnn: That’s a really point.
Speaker E: Well set.
Our oldest son will lie about anything and everything, and it’s difficult
Will: Question number two. I’ve been listening to some episodes of your podcast. We have adopted three boys in the last four years. Our oldest is 13, and we’ve been having some issues lately. We are really struggling with lies with our son. Do you have any tips on changing that behavior? He gives a little background, saying that we know it’s a result of trauma that he faced in the first several years of his life, but we’re really struggling to have a good relationship with him because he will lie about anything and everything. At times he gets a little physical, but we honestly think it’s because he doesn’t know how big he is, not that he wants to hurt anybody.
CarrieAnn: I feel like we could write this question sometimes. There’s some,
Will: We’ve definitely had kiddos that have had. They’re too big for their bodies and don’t quite know how big they are and what they’re doing and all the experience with lying and things like that. But I think I wanna. I guess the first piece I wanna acknowledge there is.
Speaker E: It is hard.
Kayla: Yeah.
Will: When you’ve got a kiddo, especially, he’s 13 years old, and you don’t have a lifelong, 13 years of bonding with it. You know, if they’ve adopted three in the last four years, that’s a lot.
Speaker E: Yeah. At most, this kid has been in.
Will: This home for four years. That’s a short amount of time out of a 13 year life.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: And it does make it hard. Like it does when you have a lying situation going on. It is difficult. And so I want to acknowledge that feeling like you can trust him and feeling like you can build a relationship, like, those feelings are hard.
Speaker E: Hm.
Kayla: Well, and I don’t know anybody that I’ve ever met that’s not triggered by lying because it feels so personal.
Will: It does.
Kayla: It feels like a personal attack, or it feels like once, like, why don’t you trust me? M but then it’s also like, why do you think I’m that stupid? Because it’s really bad lying half the time, right?
Will: Oh, yeah.
Kayla: Like, you just feel like. Like you’re insulted personally, that they thought you were dumb enough to believe whatever they just said. Right. Cause it’s usually just really dumb stuff. And so we always take it personally. First, and then we respond out of that personal feeling of frustration or whatever it is. But lying always. I don’t want to say always, but I think I’ve found that lying almost always has purpose.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Kayla: Like, there’s some purpose behind it. It’s just not always easy to find, and especially not if you’re emotionally connected to the situation. Because if you’re emotionally connected again, you’ve got that feeling of, why did they think I was that stupid? Or what? Why can’t they trust me? Or I always give you the benefit of the doubt, or I’ve never responded, you know, like, we had this conversation with one of our kids the other day where I was just like. I just felt like it was like, why do you not trust me after all these years? Cause, you know, I don’t remember if we said this, but, like, we have six kids, you know, and we adopted four of our kids, and all of them have been home at least ten years, right? So it’s not like they’re, you know, we started fostering 20 years ago, so it’s not like any of them have just come home in the last couple of years. And so sometimes it feels like, And that’s, you know, we’re at least ten years in with all of our kids, so it’s only been four years. You know, there’s still that frustration. Because it’s like, why don’t you trust me? Like, you can tell me. I don’t respond terribly. I don’t. Like, I’m always kind. I always respond well. not always, but you know what I mean?
Will: You’ve got some history built up there where it feels like. It almost feels like the longer our kiddos are in home, like, the lying almost hits a little bit differently, a little different. Like, it hits a little harder. Cause, yeah, it. I, can remember early on when various kiddos were staying with us, either through foster care or even the kiddos we’ve ended up adopting, that I do remember the lying feeling different. Like I was a little more prepared, that this is just a survival skill, and your brain tells you this is just a phase, it’ll go away in a little while quotes, right.
Kayla: Yeah, I think that’s just our wishful thinking. Right? Because I think our kids get really, It almost becomes a default for them. You know, I have one of our kiddos who, when this kiddo was younger, we would be like. It’s almost like live vomiting is kind of like how we thought of it. It sounds really gross, but it’s like, it was the first thing that would come out of their mouth was like, this made up story. And you could tell there was, like, a split second where it was like, wasn’t true. And it was like, if you could just think it through in that split second. So we’d be like, hey, I know sometimes things come out of your mouth, and then you realize that wasn’t true. Just say, let me try that again. Let’s just do it over again, you know? And we’d be like. And sometimes when we could tell, we’d be like, is that how you wanted to say that? Did you want to try again? And sometimes just that little prompting would be like, well, I mean. Well, actually, what I meant was. And we’re like, oh, okay. I thought maybe that didn’t come out quite right. You know, we didn’t make a big deal about it. We just allowed it to happen kind of naturally. And I wouldn’t say it always worked, but a lot of times it would work. Sometimes it would be like, no, that’s exactly what I meant. And as a matter of fact, and.
Will: Let’S add on, why don’t you trust.
Kayla: Yes, why don’t you ever trust me? You know? And you’re like, oh, come on.
Lying is triggering for all of us. Nobody likes to be lied to
Speaker E: But it’s hard.
Kayla: Lying’s triggering for all of us.
Will: It is. It really is.
CarrieAnn: I think that’s a really great point. Is that the lying just. Nobody likes to be lied to. No, I mean, and especially when it’s a kid that I have experienced that with before, because we’ve had these conversations with some of our kids. Hey, I know it’s. It feels like the first thing you want to do is tell us what you think we want to hear. And I get that. I know that comes. That’s the first thing you go to. But it’s hard because it’s like we’ve explained. It’s like a bank, and it builds up when you’re depositing truth in there. It’s easier to trust you, and I want to trust you. And we’ve come down to the point where it’s like the kids saying, telling us, well, I think trust is a choice. I’m like, yes, it absolutely is a choice. But so is telling the thing that you’re afraid that we’re going to get upset about. We finally kind of turned it, and, you know, I mean, we still get it, but, I’m gonna see where this goes, because I’m like, yes, it’s also choice. If you feel like we’re gonna be upset with something, I know it’s hard. I know it’s. I know it’s so hard. And then when we find him telling us something true, we just like, oh, bud, I know that you so much for telling me that. I know you. You were worried about what the result would be, but it. There’s no magic bullet, right? There’s not.
Kayla: And. Because ultimately, it’s about trust on both sides, right? Like, I don’t trust you because you don’t tell me the truth. Truth. And you don’t trust me enough to tell me the truth, you know?
CarrieAnn: And it’s like this.
Kayla: Both sides, it really is all about trust. And I would say the biggest thing that we have found, because we have struggled. One of ours in particular, but we’ve got several that have struggled with it over, you know, different periods of time, but one in particular. And I think the biggest thing is continuing to be consistent with our responses and not overreacting when something bad happens and just being like, oh, thank you for telling me that. I appreciate. You know, because they could have lied about it, right? It’s like, there’s a situation they could have lied about, but they told us what was going on, and you would say, man, I really appreciate you tell me what’s going on. I know that was. That wasn’t easy.
Will: Yeah.
Kayla: that’s, you know, crying into my pillow later when I was like, it was really hard. And, you know, because if we overreact, then they really won’t trust us to be able to handle it. But also, you know, making sure that we’re always, just available and building that relationship, because that is the thing that my. My kiddo that really struggles with it. When our relationship is strong and things are good, the lies are way less. And when I feel like there’s a rift between us and we’re at odds about everything, and I feel like I’m always, like, trying to, like, second guess everything they’re doing and all that stuff. The lies just increase. Because I feel like, for this, for, my kid in particular, it’s a stress response.
Speaker E: Yes.
Kayla: And so the more I can lower the stress level and help this kid feel connected to the rest of the family, the less the lies are. I mean, almost. There are times where I’m like. I mean, I’m sure there’s probably a little one here or there that I don’t even catch, but for the most part, the big lies or the stuff that I was really worried about is not happening because this kid feels connected and safe and doesn’t feel the need to.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: I think another important piece of that is realizing that it might not be perfect right now, and it may never get to the point where you quote unquote or have that perfect relationship, but that we’re building slowly over time. And the idea is that we are modeling goodbye or, not good behavior, but trustworthy behavior in our kids. And so, hopefully, as they mature, they’ll start to see that and they might take a dip and it might be really difficult. But hopefully, with building that relationship, that they learn that they can trust us over time.
Kayla: Yeah, for sure.
Will: I love it.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Carrie Ann says looking at her own history has made huge difference in parenting
Will: all right, and then the last question, CarrieAnn Ann, I believe you were, you had.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. So the last question is really, like, what is some of the. Probably a good tip for how you can overall be a more connected parent?
Kayla: Yeah. So I, you know, I, all the time I’m trying to figure out, like, what is it that has, that I’ve done that has made the biggest difference, you know, in my parenting? Because before we were parents, we read all the books we could think of, you know, some of the ones that I would definitely not recommend. and then, you know, we found new books and we found podcasts and we found talk to people and all this stuff. But the thing that’s made the most difference for me personally is just looking at my own history and being able to find out why do I respond the way I do to my kids? Because I can’t control my kids behavior. Like, there is nothing like parenting an adult child to make you realize you have no control over your children. You guys know that, right? I mean, I have, two of my kids are adult children. I say in quotation marks, right, because their brain’s still developing. They still need lots of guidance, they still need lots of feedback. But you have to do it in such a different way once they become adults and you go, oh, they’re not a toddler that I can just pick up and put in their crib and, like, keep them safe. Right. I have to do it so much differently. And so I have found that all I can control is my own responses. And so I have to do everything to, to control those responses. And so looking at, like, a lot of times people will be like, you know, process your own trauma. Like, I don’t, I don’t have big trauma. In my, in my past, I wasn’t abused. I lived in a, you know, two parent home, or my parents loved each other. But I have things in my past that I’ve experienced, you know, as we were talking about the lies. It’s like, oh, I had a good friend that lied to me. So lying became a huge trigger for me. And so therefore, when my kids lied to me, I didn’t just have the regular amount of, like, don’t lie to me. I had the, like, this is not acceptable. And I’m going to make sure, you know, in this very moment how not acceptable it is. Right? Like, my responses were, like, over the top.
Will: Yeah.
Kayla: And I had to go, what is it in me that makes that such a big response? Like, why does that hurt me so much? And I had to process that. I had to go through, like, oh. Because when my friend lied to me when I was in high school, I felt betrayed, and now my child is betraying me all over again. I had to process that, you know, so when I can step back and go, okay, I’m responding to my friend from high school that I never really dealt with. Not my kid who’s experienced trauma. Right? Like, that’s not who I’m responding to. So for me, that’s been like, night and day difference in just my responses because I’m aware of them.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. I think there’s so, so much there. We talk a lot about, I want to help our children to do better and learn things, but when we’re not in a regular place, especially in the moment, it’s almost impossible because you do have those big reactions. You’re reacting to those things in your past or, like, experiences that aren’t, warranted. They’re not equal to what’s actually happening in front of us. And taking a look at that and being able to figure out where that comes from in ourselves is so important. To be able to process through that, to be able to actually parent the kid that’s in front of us, well, it’s tough because, you know, we live in a society now. I think that, like, therapy is more commonly accepted. It’s not this, terrible, you know, oh, don’t tell anybody I go to therapy type of thing.
Kayla: But now, it’s like, hey, who’s your therapist? Maybe I should go see them too, right?
CarrieAnn: But, you know, not, not every therapist has the same, like, standards. And, you know, I mean, there’s just so many different aspects of that when we talk about understanding your past and how, you know, it’s a lot of work. Right. And that’s the problem. It’s easier just to go through the situation and apologize to your kid and.
Kayla: Then just move on, but not actually figure out why did I respond that way.
CarrieAnn: Right?
Kayla: Because I mean, we all make the mistake where we say something or we snap at our kid because we were hungry or whatever, right? Like, we all have those moments, but there’s sometimes, like, I like to explain it. This sounds terrible, like, weird, but I, like, it’s like an out of body experience that I’m having, you know, where, like, I can see myself starting to get really angry, and I can see myself starting to have reactions and responses, and I feel like I can’t do anything to stop it.
Speaker E: Yes.
Kayla: Like, it just happens. And then I feel really shameful afterwards. Like, I’m like, oh, that’s not how I want to respond to my kids. And it’s those moments that I go, okay. Something is, like, there’s something inside that I’m responding to. Like, this is not a normal. Like, I’m frustrated by the day or I didn’t get a good snack today, and so I’m, you know, snapped at my kids. This is something deeper. This is something that it has hit inside me. You know, there’s a wounding in me or there’s a, you know, there’s a spot in me that. That needs to be dealt with.
Kayla: And that’s. Those moments are when I feel like, okay, I can. If I can work on that.
Kayla: Then I’ll be able to respond better in that moment and it won’t be so personal to me, you know? because it’s the personal reactions that are the ones that cause the overreaction. Because again, you know, I was talking to one of my kids therapists one time, and I was like, I felt like it was, you know, I was. I was thinking about this or that, and she goes, it was eight year old Kayla that was responding in that moment. I was like, oh, yeah, it was. It was eight year old Kayla who didn’t get her needs met, you know, like responding in that moment, because that’s who was hurt. That’s who was hurting. It was like, oh, oh, you felt rejected again. Oh, I see. You went back to that younger self and you responded out of how an eight year old might respond. And I was like, oh, I did kind of have a little bit of a tantrum there tonight.
Caleb says responding to trauma can shape who you are
CarrieAnn: Well, I think, too, when you talk about, you know, you respond out of that place where it really gets you. I mean, like, and you just respond.
Speaker E: What was it?
CarrieAnn: Use the word with vomit. I can’t think of what it was. Well, I. Sometimes I’ll get there and I’ll, you know, be something upset by really something by what the kids are doing or whatever, and I words, are coming out, and internally I’m going, stop talking. Stop talking. Like nothing good is gonna happen. And it just keeps coming out. And, like, sometimes I’ll, like, pinch my arm a little bit, like, stop it. And I’ll just be like, I have to walk away. And, you know, but you get so worked up in that place, and, you know, that just keeps happening. In some situations, I’m like, why is that bothering me so much? Because really, it’s not a big deal when I can step back and regulate.
Kayla: You’re not emotional.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. And I’m like, oh, yeah.
Kayla: Or sometimes it’s like, you know, either I will respond in a way, and my husband’s looking at me like, it’s not really that big a deal. Like, why are we making this a big deal? And then that’s when I go, why am I made a big deal? Or, like, why is that a problem? Or sometimes he gets really frustrated about something, and I’m like, I mean, it’s just like a kid thing, you know? And, that’s when I know, like, okay, this has got to be something about one of the two of us and not like, if we’re both really equally frustrated about it. It might be a frustrating situation, you know, but a lot of times it really is something deeper and something. And that’s been, you know, that’s just been transformative for. For me is just going, okay, I want to be curious about my own behaviors. Like, I spend a whole lot of time being curious about my kids behaviors and why are they doing that and why do they respond that way? But I can really only control me. And so if I, you know, if I only can do one thing, it would be for me to respond differently.
Kayla: And that’s gonna at least not add fuel to the fire. Right. My kids may not respond completely differently, but if I can just keep my responses kind and relationship focused instead of punitive or over the top, like, I’ve got to make sure they understand this right this very second. Or, just unkind, you know, if I can just keep my responses where I want them to be, then at least that’s half the battle.
CarrieAnn: Right? So I would totally echo all of that. I would say that that number one thing you really want to start working and getting to be a better is starting to understand how you are parenting. How what, how the things in positive effect. Thank you so much.
Will: Because one of the things they say about trauma is that it’s personal.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Will: So even if you haven’t experienced a big t, broken home, neglectful, abusive situation at home. The things you have experienced have shaped who you are.
Speaker E: Right.
Will: And those, those experiences are personal. So nobody can tell you that what you experienced growing up is not real or didn’t affect you or doesn’t still affect you now.
Speaker E: Yeah.
Kayla: Cause I think a lot of times people think like, well, I didn’t, I didn’t, I wasn’t abused or I didn’t have any, I wasn’t in foster care, care, whatever. And they, like, they discount how experiences shape you. And that’s, we all have stuff. It’s like, what is it? My husband says he’s like, you may not have trauma, but you probably have some drama.
Speaker E: There you go.
Kayla: And I’m like, yes, that’s exactly right. Everybody’s got a little drama in their family. Everybody’s got an adversity that they’ve come across. And it shapes who we are and it shapes how we respond to things. And sometimes it shapes us for the better because we deal with it and we move forward. And now we’re able to, you know, be kinder because we are more compassionate to people who go through those same experiences. But sometimes if we don’t deal with it, it makes us not respond in the way we want to.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, no, that’s. We’re so glad to have you on, Kayla.
Kayla: You guys have come on our podcast enough times.
CarrieAnn: That’s been fun, too.
Kayla: It’s fun to be on.
CarrieAnn: Where can, we hear more about what you guys are doing?
Kayla: Yeah, So if you go to onebighappyhome.com, you can find out all the stuff, coaching and classes and everything that we do. or you can listen to us on the empowered Parent podcast.
CarrieAnn: Highly recommend their podcast.
Will: All right, well, we’ll link to one big happy home and the empowered parent podcast in the show notes if you want a quick place to find those. And we thank you for turning tuning in today and listening. We appreciate you.
One more listener review says this podcast is practical and relevant
We have one more listener review we wanted to share with you. This one is from Corgi Mom 22 says this podcast is practical and relevant. They share their parenting struggles and successes in a practical way that you can apply. I listen with my kids so that we can talk about it and learn together. Well, thank you for. Thank you, Corgi Mom 22. Those are kind words. And if you want to hear your review, read on the podcast here. Head on over to Apple Podcast and write a nice little review. And we’d be happy to share it with the other listeners here. Thank you for tuning in to our special question and answer episode. You can always send us other questions on social medias. We are on Instagram, Facebook and YouTube and we appreciate you listening. If you gotten value from this podcast or you enjoyed it, please share it with your friends. Let them know. And we will be taking a, few weeks off for in between season breaks here, but we will come back with season three of the connected parenting minute before you know it. So stay subscribed and tell your friends. And before we go, we want to remind you, you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little bit better one connected parenting minute at a time.
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