Season 03 Episode 1
💬 Show Notes
Welcome back to Season 3 of Connected Parenting Minute! In this kickoff episode, your hosts Will and CarrieAnn Standfest dive into the crucial topic of emotional regulation and its impact on parenting. This episode emphasizes the importance of managing our own emotions and modeling healthy coping strategies for our children. The Standfests discuss why it’s essential for parents to take responsibility for their emotions, rather than placing that burden on their kids. They offer practical advice on recognizing and addressing our own emotional states to better support our children.
Will and CarrieAnn share personal stories and insights, highlighting how to verbalize feelings and teach children by example. They stress the significance of creating an environment where children feel safe to express their emotions and learn effective coping mechanisms. This episode is packed with actionable tips to help you foster a more connected and emotionally healthy home.
Don’t miss the chance to hear about upcoming interviews and listener Q&A sessions. Tune in to learn how to navigate the complexities of parenting with grace and understanding, one connected parenting minute at a time.
Show notes created by https://headliner.app
🗣️ Quotes from Will Standfest
“It is our responsibility to manage our emotions. That responsibility does not belong to our children.”
“Our kids are watching what we do. They are watching everything we do. And that’s really scary if we’re being honest.”
🗣️ Quotes from Carrieann Ann Standfest
“We have to be willing to look at ourselves objectively and start seeing how the things that we do really affect our kids.”
Season 3 Episode 1 of the Connected Parenting Minute Podcast
For more content:
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Email: ConnectedParentingMinute@gmail.com
🔑 Episode Keywords
Emotional Regulation, Parenting Strategies, Coping Mechanisms, Connection-Based Parenting, Child Development, Family Dynamics, Self-Reflection, Modeling Behavior, Parenting Podcast, Emotional Health
#connectedparenting #emotionalregulation #parentingstrategies #copingmechanisms #childdevelopment #familydynamics #selfreflection #modelingbehavior #parentingpodcast #emotionalhealth
Show notes created by https://headliner.app
Music by https://lesfm.net/
Show Transcript:
This podcast is about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles
CarrieAnn: I think that’s a really important aspect to be noticing about yourself, especially when you’re engaging with your kids, being able to call that out and being able to say that, figuring out what we need to be able to be. Okay.
Intro: You’re listening to the connected parenting minute with Will and CarrieAnn Ann Standfest. this podcast is a conversation about parenting using connection first, trauma informed principles. Because when you lead with connection, everyone feels seen, which is the foundation to a more peaceful home. this podcast reminds you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can all get a little better one connected parenting minute at a time.
The Connected Parenting minute podcast is back for season three
Hello and welcome back to the Connected Parenting minute podcast. My name is Will Standfest, and I am so blessed that you have chosen to join us this evening. With me is, of course, the lovely CarrieAnn Ann Standfesthenne.
CarrieAnn: Hey, everybody. We’re so excited to be back for season three.
Will: Season three. It feels good to say, doesn’t it, baby?
CarrieAnn: It absolutely does. I was just thinking about how much I enjoy the opportunity to talk over these things with you in this platform and be able to share some of the thoughts that we share between each other on a regular basis.
Will: I know we’ve had so many people pour into us over the years that we just feel blessed to have an opportunity to share those things with each and every one of you. This podcast is to help you, our listener. I want you to come out of this podcast feeling a little encouraged, a little challenged, and just have something really practical that will help you in your relationship with your kiddos, helping you create the less stressed, more connected home that you dream of.
CarrieAnn: Absolutely. I. That’s something this was. Didn’t exist when we first started parenting. Like, the whole podcast thing, I’d never heard of it. And just be able to have that, to be able to start listening and say, hey, I want to learn about this, or I want to hear these people’s thoughts on this subject. I mean, the information that we have at our fingertips is astronomical. It’s crazy.
Will: It is pretty awesome.
CarrieAnn: So we feel really blessed that you’ve chosen to listen to our podcast.
Will: Yeah. So thank you for spending a, few minutes out of your day joining us, and I hope these thoughts are helpful to you. This is season three, like we said. And so we have a whole slate of episodes planned out for you. We are working our way through recording all of them. We’ve got a few new things we’re going to try this season. We are going to do at least one interview. Yeah, maybe two or three, depending how it goes. you’ll have to let us know. Send us feedback on what you think of the over the interview episodes, if you enjoy them or you don’t. And as always, we do want to answer your questions. So if you have a question about parenting that you want answered on the podcast, reach out to us, using infoconnectedparentingminute.com. and we would love to do an episode specifically answering your question or unpacking a difficult situation you’re dealing with at home.
CarrieAnn: We’ll even keep you anonymous.
Will: Absolutely.
Tonight’s topic is calm reactions, emotional regulation through example
CarrieAnn: All right, we should jump in to tonight’s topic.
Will: Yes. Tonight’s topic is calm reactions, emotional regulation through example.
CarrieAnn: Emotional regulation through example.
Will: Fascinating topic.
CarrieAnn: It is a fascinating topic. I’m excited to dig into it. Our first point of tonight is that it is our responsibility to manage our emotions. That responsibility does not belong to our children.
Will: Ooh. It’s our responsibility to manage our emotions.
CarrieAnn: That one’s hard.
Will: Yeah, it is. This is episode one of season three. This isn’t like episode eight or nine. Like, I just jump right into the deep end of the hard stuff.
CarrieAnn: We’re gonna dump. Jump right in. Because I think that it’s super. I mean, we. We emphasize this a lot on the podcast of. It starts with us.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And, you know, our kids are just doing the best they can. We’re doing the best we can.
Will: Yeah. As I say, we’re doing the best we can.
CarrieAnn: I know, but we’re the adults. We’re supposed to have it figured out.
Will: I don’t want to be the adult.
CarrieAnn: I know, but we are. It really does come down to us. We have to be willing to do the work, and we have to be willing to look at ourselves objectively and start seeing how the things that we do really affect our kids.
Will: they really do. And I think a lot of us know this. I think each of us, thinking back in our lives, can come up with those situations where our parents said or did something that really impacted us. And as an adult, we can reflect back on that and say, maybe they weren’t the world’s worst person. They said that.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And maybe not, but that’s the thing you have to kind of work through and get to that point to be able to recognize that. But understanding that, then the torch has kind of been passed to us.
CarrieAnn: Yeah, exactly.
Will: It’s our responsibility now with our children.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. And, you know, that piece, you know, we say it’s our responsibility to manage our emotions, but that responsibility doesn’t. Isn’t our children’s responsibility cause we think about, I mean, growing up, and maybe you’re in a situation where you felt like the tension was in the air. You can feel it with your parents. And you started going, ooh, I better not ask my mom right now what we’re having for dinner or ask to.
Will: Go to the store or ask a piece of candy.
CarrieAnn: Right. You know, because if, you know, the children that have been in our home for a long time or that have been born to us, they can start to sense, hey, something’s not right. And they can have a tendency to start feeling like, I need to be tiptoeing around this situation.
Will: Yeah. Or I need to disappear.
CarrieAnn: Right. And, you know, granted, we all have our days.
Will: We do.
CarrieAnn: But I just want to. I think what we’re trying to get across is that we can’t let our children, like, that’s not their responsibility.
Will: They shouldn’t feel the weight of that.
CarrieAnn: Right. Yeah. There we go.
Will: They should, like the weight of managing our emotions, where they feel like, mom’s in a mood again. I should say, dad. Dad’s in a mood again. I’m not trying to put this. Not trying to put this on you.
CarrieAnn: No. I mean, but it does, you know, that that is true. Our kids will tend to feel that when we’re having a bad day.
Growing up in Virginia, a swimming pool was a very coveted thing
one of the situations that I remember as a kid that really vibrantly. I don’t know if that’s the right word.
Will: Vividly.
CarrieAnn: vividly. There we go. I was looking for a v word.
Will: Vividly.
CarrieAnn: stuck out to me was, I had these friends from church. Well, this one friend who. She was maybe my age, maybe a little bit younger, and they had a swimming pool. And I grew up in Virginia, so a swimming pool was a very coveted thing.
Will: Oh, yeah.
CarrieAnn: Our family did not and hardly ever went swimming, but I loved to swim or wanted to be in the water. I think I learned to swim in their pool, too.
Will: Oh, nice.
CarrieAnn: And so I would go over their house and spend the night a couple times, I don’t know, a month. It was. It was frequently.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: But I do remember just. Their parents would fight all the time, and it was normally after we were supposed to be in bed.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And there was just this, like, you knew, oh, my gosh, these people. Two adults are screaming at each other, and you go, I can’t use the bathroom if I need to, or get a drink of water. Or. There was a weight that was held with that of just like I. Oh, I better just stay out of the way. Stay. You know, invisible to an extent. And that just, there was such a heaviness that came with that, you know, and I’m grateful I grew up in a home that that was not normal.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: But, you know, that was just such an awkward situation for me. And I think I was like ten or eleven at the time.
Will: Yeah. It makes you feel like you have to tiptoe around and not say the wrong thing. And people who grew up in emotionally unhealthy situations know exactly what we’re talking about.
CarrieAnn: Right. I mean, even if you didn’t, there are still those times where you’re like, ooh, that did not go well. Or, you know, or you’ve got that.
Will: Coworker, that moody coworker who you really need something from, but, you know, you gotta ask it the right way or at the right time or else you’re gonna get a lecture or some condescending comments or whatever. And we don’t wanna do that to our children. That is not theirs to carry.
Will: We have to be in the parent child relationship. We’re the parents, so we have to choose to be the adults in the situation and manage our emotions well.
CarrieAnn: Right. And so that’s kind of the why behind why we chose to talk about this topic is kind of just setting up that, like, there is a responsibility of our emotions and that doesn’t fall on our children, that falls on us squarely on us.
Connected Parenting Minute is hitting the road this fall
Will: Before we jump into point number two, we’re going to take a quick break.
CarrieAnn: Hey, we’re hitting the road this fall. Come out and say hello. We’ll be leading a breakout session on connecting with your teens. First, join us at the Christian alliance for Orphans Capo conference in Nashville, Tennessee, September 18 through 20th. Also, don’t miss the replanted conference in Chicago, October 24 through 26th. Visit cafo.org. that’s cafo.org and replantedministry.org to learn more and register today. Want to book us for your next event? Email us using info@connectedparentingminute.com we’d love to work with you.
Next really comes point number two, which is modeling emotional regulation
Will: And now back to the show.
CarrieAnn: All right, so we’ve already talked about why our, it’s not our children’s responsibility to manage our emotions. Next really comes point number two, which is modeling emotional regulation. We have to teach by example.
Will: We have to teach emotional regulation by example.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: So there is this concept that our, kids are watching what we do.
Will: They are watching everything we do.
CarrieAnn: And that’s really scary if we’re being honest.
Will: It is a little scary.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: I don’t know who checked my id when they decided to give me a child and said, well, clearly you can handle it.
CarrieAnn: Right? I mean, seriously, walking on the hospital or, I was rolled out in holding this baby and, like, why do you think it’s okay that we’re. I mean, we were pretty young parents, too. Like, really young.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: Well, but, you know, there is an importance that we have to set an example of emotional regulation.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And. And show our children what that looks like.
Will: Right. And what we’re looking to teach in here is, how do we do this?
Will: Because we are all humans and we will all have big emotions. We will have lousy days. We will have a frustrating discussion with our spouse, with our child, whatever. These things are going to happen. So a not pretending that we don’t have big emotions is important.
Will: Owning the fact that I’ve had a really bad day today and going back to point number one, it’s not your kid’s job to fix that.
CarrieAnn: Right, right.
Will: But it is an important thing to articulate that by you saying that I’ve had a bad day. And yet you are still engaging and you are still trying to connect with your kids or to connect with your spouse or find a healthy way to manage the fact that you’ve had a bad day and you need a little bit of downtime, your kids will normalize the experiences they have growing up.
Will: And so if you are able to come home from work and be like, ugh, it was a rough day today, daddy needs to sit on his chair and zone out for a few minutes, but then reengage.
Will: Not just, I’m checking out for the day, I’m gone.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Because that. Because that’s not what we want for our kids.
Will: You know, you don’t. We don’t want our kids to normalize the idea that they had had a bad day at work, and so now they’re just not going to talk to anybody for the rest of the night.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: It’s not something that most of us want to model for our kids, even if it’s something we struggle with.
CarrieAnn: Right. And, you know, that is just. It takes a lot of work on our part.
Will: It really does.
CarrieAnn: Because we have to start looking at ourselves and going, what emotions am I feeling? How is this affecting my behavior?
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And how can I basically stop the rocking boat, in a sense, from, like, going crazy? It seems like sometimes you can be having a bad day with, you know, something over here or somebody said, something unkind to you or, you know, you felt rejected by somebody or something like that, and starts this, this motion of being upset or being frustrated. And then your kid comes, asks you a question, and then it, you know, it just keeps. It goes out. It gets out of control.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: So that’s what I was thinking, but I don’t know if that analogy completely works. I’m sorry.
Will: It’s all good. I think we know where you’re going, though. It’s just this idea that not letting one bad thing derail your whole day and kind of set you down a path where it just spirals and there’s no hope of recovery.
CarrieAnn: Right. Well, there’s an element of catching it while it’s low in the sense. I mean, we’ve talked about this before, too, on the podcast, when you start noticing that not great feeling in yourself. Cause we’ve talked about in the concept of kids of, observing and saying, oh, I know, this is going down a bad path. How can we derail it before it gets there.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: But I think there’s a, really important aspect to be able to notice that in ourselves.
Will: Yes.
CarrieAnn: And when we can notice that in ourselves and start going, oh, man, that person really hurt my feelings. And it just, it rocked my day. What can I do to make sure that I’m, I’m going to be okay? Even if that’s just saying out loud, you call somebody, you know, you tell your spouse, there’s, there’s so many things that we can do to help negate the lie that this is gonna wreck us, you know?
Will: Yeah, absolutely.
CarrieAnn: And so I think that’s a really important aspect to be noticing about yourself and, you know, and especially when you’re engaging with your kids, being able to call that out.
CarrieAnn: And being able to say that, you know, figuring out what we need to be able to be okay.
Will: Yeah. And I honestly think I really like the term. It feels like a new schoolye fancy term, but I really like this term dysregulated in this moment, in this situation.
Will: Because you’re trying to catch yourself when you’re dysregulated, not when you’ve flipped your lid and you’ve blown it and you’re freaking out with the kids or with whatever’s going on. That’s, that’s that kind of concept of catching it low as you’re trying to catch, feel. You notice what’s going on inside of yourself, where you’re feeling dysregulated, you’re feeling out of sorts you’re feeling like, ugh, this day is not going to. Is not going in a good direction.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And catching that and then trying to figure out what things you can do to manage that, to help yourself get back to a place where you’re feeling regulated, where you’re feeling kind of centered, and in the place that you want to be mentally and emotionally.
CarrieAnn: Right. One of the things as a mom and as a mom who’s had many, many children.
Will: Eight.
CarrieAnn: It’s not that many, but I’ve basically gone through six pregnancies, and there is a whole heck of a lot that goes on hormonally that totally blows things up sometimes.
Washington: Empowering our children with healthy coping strategies
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: You know, I was sick with so many of our pregnancies, and that really affected how I felt and not recognizing how I can meet my own needs, to be able to meet the needs of my children. Washington, you know, a work in progress right now. Look back at it and like, oh, I could have done this, this and this, and like, well, that’s not a problem anymore. So we’re good, but, you know, and a problem not as in the babies, but as in, like, not feeling good.
Will: Yes. Regulation.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. And, you know, so being able to be aware of our own needs and what we can do to help ourselves be in a good spot.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: You know, even if it’s just. You know what? This day is not going to go well. Y’all can put on a movie or gotta go to bed early and call it a day, but just knowing that if you engage is gonna go sideways.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: So you just pull back a little bit and say, we’re gonna keep the peace a little bit.
Will: You don’t have to participate in every fight you’re invited to.
CarrieAnn: Exactly.
Will: Okay. So now we’ve spent some time working on ourselves, trying to understand how, we get emotionally regulated, being able to kind of verbally call that out, saying, I’ve had a bad day, I’m upset about something going on at work. I’m upset about a personal relationship, being able to verbalize those things and making that verbal processing piece normalized for your kids. And now we’re trying to find things that we can do to regulate ourselves, whether that’s a glass of water or a wok or reading a book or a power nap. Lots of things. Lots of options out there.
Will: Now what?
CarrieAnn: Well, now that we’ve started to understand our own emotional regulation and helping our children catch what we’re doing, we are able to start empowering our children with healthy coping strategies, which is point number three.
Will: Empowering our children with healthy coping strategies.
Will: Yeah. And I think the key piece we’re trying to get at here is more is caught than taught. With our kids. For us to come to our kids who had a bad day at school, maybe they missed lunch, maybe lunch was gross and they didn’t eat it.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Or there was some situation on the bus or in the hallway between classes, they come home, they’re dysregulated and they blow up at us.
Will: Or lose it. It comes out sideways or at a sibling. We’ve all been there. We can picture this middle schooler teenager coming home, having a bad day, kind of coming out sideways. What we want to see in that situation is a kid who is able to say, oh, I had a bad day, I need a snack or I need to zone out and listen to some music and just be able to.
CarrieAnn: Say that, right, I had a bad day. Help me figure this out.
Will: I mean, that’s what we want.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And the only way that a kid is going to get there is if we are modeling that. Right. Because they’re going to catch that.
Will: A lot of our kids can read us like a book. As much as we don’t want to admit it, they probably can.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: And so when they see us in those stressed out, overwhelmed, exhausted situations, they’re watching how we react, how we manage our own emotions and feelings and all the things that are going on in those moments.
Will: By us modeling healthy coping strategies, that is the way that our children are going to learn these.
CarrieAnn: Right. And that also points out the importance of being able to call out those emotions because it feels really awkward, I would say to go, I’m having a bad day because x, Y and z. But when you are calling those out, your child sees that maybe something’s going on. They, they. Sunsets, dysregulation.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And they hear you calling that out. Or as your children, I mean, calling it out in your children too can be very beneficial.
Will: They gotta be careful.
CarrieAnn: Right. In a, in a positive way.
Helping kids identify and deal with emotions starts with noticing and being curious
I notice you seem a little upset or I’m wondering if you have. Your feelings are hurt right now by what, your siblings.
Will: Yeah. I think that’s a really key point. Our kids are not gonna be good at this.
CarrieAnn: No.
Will: So helping them through this process of identifying and calling out and naming some of the feelings that they’re having, these big feelings that will feel a bit scary.
Will: Right. Helping them walk through that process, I think begins with us noticing and being curious.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Right. So if we can, we can say, I wonder if you’re feeling a little embarrassed at that situation. Or I wonder if you’re just exhausted. It’s been a, are you just mentally exhausted today? Like, does your brain feel like it just doesn’t want to do any more things?
CarrieAnn: Right. I think one of the things too is we can make, like you were saying, observations.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: seems like we kind of feel a little down today. Something happened on the bus, you know, or, you know, you have to ask kind of specifically sometimes because especially with teens, you’re going to get the I don’t know, or b, that’s fine. And so you have to be asking in a way that’s curious.
Will: Yes.
CarrieAnn: I wonder.
Will: Cause it feels accusatory. Right. There’ll be a wall, they’ll shut down.
CarrieAnn: Yeah.
Will: But if you can come across curious.
CarrieAnn: I wonder how things are going on the bus lately. Or I wonder how that, you know, your science test went today. I know you were a little concerned about that, you know, and you have to know your kid too. There’s a lot of things that we can come up with as far as asking good questions.
Will: Yeah, absolutely. And another key piece about that too is you don’t have to get it right.
CarrieAnn: No.
Will: As your kid gets comfortable having these discussions, and it may not be immediately, we have had situations where we say, boy, I wonder if you’re really embarrassed about that. I’m not embarrassed about that. I’m mad. Look at that. We just named him an emotion.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: You know, and that’s, and that’s good. Right. that is what we are looking for is to help them kind of process and identify what’s going on inside themselves so that we can go back to this. Well, when I’m upset, sometimes I drink a glass of water.
Will: Or you can just say, hey, would you like a glass of water, baby?
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: Or why don’t you come with me? Here’s the even better one. Here’s the next level. Playing chess game. Er, I’m really frustrated. Your kids saying something. Whatever. Hey, baby, I’m really thirsty right now. Why don’t you come take a walk with me and get a glass of water?
CarrieAnn: Mm
Will: Okay.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And you’re a, inviting them into relationship.
Will: B, you’re modeling. I’m expressing a need that I have and I’m going to go meet my need.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: And then c, you’re taking a walk. D, you’re getting a glass of water. Like, there’s all kinds of little things that are going on here, that you can be inviting them into relationship and modeling healthy kind of management of their own behavior while helping them practice things that will help them regulate and manage their, their emotions.
CarrieAnn: Right. We have to be leading the way in this for our kids.
Will: Absolutely.
CarrieAnn: And I think we tend to forget that because, you know, we feel all of our things and we know they feel all their things. But really, this is gonna help our children long term be able to cope. And hopefully when they’re adults and they have children, this just comes naturally to them.
Will: Yeah.
CarrieAnn: And then their children benefit from it.
Will: Well, and even their relationships.
CarrieAnn: Right.
Will: With their significant other, with their spouse or with their boyfriend, girlfriend or whatever, whatever stage of life they’re in, being able to call out and manage big emotions in a healthy way, it will just benefit all of those relationships as well.
CarrieAnn: I agree 100%.
Point number one is that it is our responsibility to manage our emotions
Well, we’re coming to the end of our time here tonight, and we just want to do a quick recap of our three points for this episode. The point number one is that it is our responsibility to manage our emotions. That burden should not fall on our children.
Will: Absolutely.
CarrieAnn: All right. Point number two, modeling emotional regulation. We need to be teaching that by example.
Will: Oh, do I have to? Right.
CarrieAnn: Hey.
Will: Yes, it teaching by example. More is caught than taught.
CarrieAnn: Yeah. And then our final point of the evening is that we need to be empowering our children with healthy coping strategies, being proactive in finding ways that will help them as an individual figure out what they need to be able to meet their needs.
Will: Yes, that’s what it’s about. We’re trying to help our kids learn to meet their needs in healthy, well adjusted ways.
CarrieAnn: Yep.
Will: Because we all have emotions and we’re not gonna hide from that.
CarrieAnn: No. And it’s good to express them and be able to figure out what they are and how to, how to manage them.
Connected parenting minute thanks listener for listening to our podcast
Will: All right, well, we wanna thank you, listener, for tuning into our podcast today. We really appreciate you taking a few minutes out of your day, and I hope that you’ve gotten value or enjoyed the podcast. If you have, do us a favor and tell one of your friends about it, and it would just help us get the message out to more people. Feel free to send any questions, comments or encouragement to infolectedparentingminute.com. and before we go, we want to.
CarrieAnn: Remind you that you don’t have to be a perfect parent, but we can.
Will: All get a little bit better one connected parenting minute at a time. Thank you so much for listening to.
Outro: My mom and Daddy podcast. It means a lot to me. Make sure to like and subscribe on the way out.
Outro: For more parenting tips or to connect with us, check out the connected parenting minute on YouTube, Instagram and Facebook. Or you can send us an email using connectedparentingminutemail.com.
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